Catch up

Things have been surprisingly hectic as of late. A few things have happened since my last post.

Both my jobs have been fairly unstable when it comes to management. At my office job my manager has been away for two weeks from illness and a guy has now become assistant manager and seems to be pissing off the entire staff. My manager at my other job seems to have changed her bubbly attitude now her probation is over and is giving out documented discussions like candy as if it’s Halloween.

Right now I’m about to start packing to look after my sister’s flat tomorrow although I also need to keep my mobile phone by me at all times due to my mum’s health. Yesterday I spent my evening sitting in the waiting room at the casualty unit with my mum after she received an urgent phone call from her GP. She received her blood test results back and they’re concerned that it may be a blood clot in her leg which could spread to her parts of her body such as her heart. She’s currently in preparation for her scan sometime soon. I guess they weren’t worried enough to keep her in hospital. 

Last night I was in a terrible mood and it could be down to all these factors. I’m not sure if I’m in a relationship or not at this point, but I just wish I had someone to turn to. I don’t have stability in my life right now and it’s also made me wonder if I can look after myself if the worst happens. I know, I shouldn’t imagine losing both parents, but at the same time I feel I have to be realistic. Moreover, I want a partner to support me emotionally and I’m not sure if my ex is capable of that. 

I’m not as unhappy as I was yesterday or this morning, but I am feeling drained. I don’t want to have to worry.

Although it’s not been productive, I’ve been gaming a lot on my new laptop. I’ve been playing Borderlands 2 to be specific. I’ve never really enjoyed first person shooters but I guess I love the randomness of the dialogue and the comic book style. It’s very similar to the Walking Dead by Telltales. 

I currently have no software on my laptop but I think that’s something I’ll have to sort out after looking after my sister’s flat. Setting up this laptop has taken longer than expected. Downloading games is the easy part thanks to Steam. 

I’m going to start packing now and drop off a few bits at my sister’s before tomorrow. Just to make my life a bit easier.

Returning after a break

I can’t believe how long I’ve left my blog for, and for that I do apologise.

I’ve mostly been away from my laptop and blogging on a touchscreen is less than ideal.

Life hasn’t been that bad lately. I think I’m on my fourth week of taking antidepressants but I haven’t felt any side effects so far which is a plus.

I ended up taking a pregnancy test three weeks ago and it was negative. I going to recently take another test when visiting my GP but she said that antibiotics don’t conflict with contraceptive implants. It seems I have been worrying for nothing. I’ll still take another test just in case.

I’m still always fairly exhausted but tomorrow I’ll be having a blood test and hopefully it will reveal something.

So far, things with my ex has been going well. I’ve stayed with him for almost two weeks albeit doing my own thing while he games. He has been attentive and affectionate which I can’t fault him for. Regardless, I don’t want my life to be fixated on him. I still plan to share my time with my friends.

After much research and contemplation for the past month, I decided to invest in a new laptop, a customised one to be specific. I’ve done it on finance and the total cost comes to just under £1,500. It’s a lot, I know, but it is a good investment for myself.

I was thinking, what project should I start as soon as I get my laptop? But today I’ve been thinking to myself, what would I like to do? When scrolling through Facebook and seeing photos of my college art teacher’s life, it reminds me of how free I felt in college and my paintings always expressed that. Now I feel trapped and restraint in this adult world. I’ve become so fixated on creating something for the purpose of getting a job rather than doing it simply because I enjoy it. For once, I’d like to stop planning everything and create simply because. Where I am career wise is far from ideal, but I can’t be overly stressed by it.

My focus lately has mainly been trying to improve my mental health. For the past few weeks, I have been happier despite a few dips now and then.

I have a few things to look forward to such as the delivery of the laptop I mentioned, looking after my sister’s house for the next two weeks and hopefully having people come over, and Hyper Japan that is happening in London with some Sushi tasting. I can’t complain right now, my life isn’t all bad right now.

Today was a struggle

I know I haven’t posted much as of late. I guess it is out of laziness. I’ve been feeling quite off lately and it’s difficult to describe. I’ve not noticed time passing. Each day has merged into the next. I feel bad that I didn’t say Happy Birthday to people on Facebook but by the time I remember the day has passed and it’s too late. There’s been nothing to look forward to.

I know you’re wondering, what happened to the positivity of the last post? That has faded. I’ve yet to hear from any jobs back and whatever is happening with my ex has dwindled. The affection is gone, like I knew would happen eventually.

I did actually go to see another GP about my mental health and although she most likely prescribed me the same antidepressants, she at least explained why I should take them and what would happen afterwards. To even get specialised help, I need to take these. If they don’t work, she’ll adjust it accordingly. She said she could see from my face that I’m depressed, although at the time I was quite happy. It felt like a step forward. It was a shame I also took a step back.

I didn’t want to put this on my blog because it’s quite personal, but I need to let my anxiety out. I realised my contraceptive implant may have been canceled out by the antiobiotics I was taking for an infection from shaving. I’m potentially pregnant. I may not be, but there’s a chance. I’ve been panicking since this has come to my attention. I feel stupid and irritated with myself because I know that antibiotics affect contraception, but I assumed it only affected the pill. I also didn’t think since I was taking antibiotics for such a silly thing.

I told my ex everything but his response was simply “Okay,” Later on I asked him if he would support me if I was pregnant and I was taken back by his response. He answered that it was sounding premeditated. Anyone that knows me in person knows how much I despise children. I’m not a nasty person and I probably wouldn’t openly display my feelings towards them, but this has come up a couple of times. Early on in our relationship my ex almost broke up with me because of our conflicting views on children. Needless to say I was offended and in shock. Apparently it was because I knew antibiotics affects contraception (this is fair), because I was so eager to show him our characters had a baby in a game (it’s a fucking game!), and because I chose to have sex with him on my birthday when previously I had denied him. Okay, I also understand the latter, but it was simply that I felt on my birthday I just wanted to let go with my desires. Yes, it was my birthday but I didn’t think to myself, Ï’ll have a baby as a present!”

In the end he apologised and said it all seemed too much. I tried to let it go, but it has been eating away at me. I was with this person for five years and should know me better than any one, and yet I was still accused of trapping him with a baby. I felt like he had little respect for me and insulted my intelligence. I brought it up again with him today. I told him how terrified I feel and that he doesn’t seem to be supportive but he shrugged and said he doesn’t know what he’s meant to say to make me feel better. I brought up his accusation also and he responded with, “I was just stating the obvious.” To me and most people who know me, having a baby isn’t a possibility. Not any time soon.

The conversation died when he was more focused on the tv. I ended up walking out of the room and cry. I felt disappointed that I had such high expectations for this person. That I expected him to support me in this matter. I don’t know why I expected anything, I know he’s incapable of offering emotional support, but I thought with something this big, he would be there for me. On the other hand, he wasn’t there for me when my dad died, so I don’t know why l I thought this would be any different.

I’m probably not pregnant, but I’m scared. I’m shit scared. I’m scared to even have an abortion. I never wanted to let that become a possibility. I feel anger at myself for being stupid and not cautious enough, but also that I put myself in such a position. Today I realised, no matter what, I’ll have to go through this alone. It worries me. This is someone I wanted to be with, but his instant reaction was to blame me. This was someone I considered having children with in the future, if I did change my mind about children of course. I’m frightened from the reaction because I feel that if I was pregnant and did decide to keep it, he would leave me to do it alone. I wouldn’t receive any support because it’s my fault and he doesn’t have to take responsibility if he didn’t have to. I never questioned his morals, I always knew he would do the right thing and now I question that. I’m lost.

At this moment, I’m struggling. The worst thing is, I can’t take anti depressants in case I may be pregnant. I can’t offer relief to myself. While I was crying in the bedroom I kept hitting myself in the head and slapping my cheek in frustration. I just kept telling myself, “Why can’t I just stop crying?! Just get on with it!” But, my tears wouldn’t stop. Eventually I forced myself to stop crying.

I’m just stressed right now. I’m unhappy with my job, I’m physically drained, I feel mentally unstable and I don’t have the support I expected. I’ve never felt so alone at this moment. I hope no one I know will be reading this.

It was my birthday on Saturday

This is why I haven’t been posting lately and I have been away from my laptop. I spent the beginning of my birthday with my best friend just walking around and having a late breakfast. He was persuaded (or rather guilt tripped) by my colleagues into coming to dinner in the evening. I went to an Italian restaurant and afterwards ended up at the pub yet again as that seems to be home for my colleagues. It’s where we always return to at the end of the week. I received my first two birthday cards from my colleagues, one was appropriately of the queen parachuting across London. I was given a Pikachu necklace and a £15 e-Shop card as they know how much of a Nintendo fanatic I am.

My assistant manager said he’d buy me a drink of my choice and I picked a Strawberry Daquiri. I quickly regretted my decision when he came back with a pitcher full. I didn’t get drunk but it did make me awfully tired and affected my bladder since I kept being told to down it. 

At 11pm I tried to make my way back when I saw hundreds of people sitting on the tram tracks and blocking buses from running. In the end I had to walk to another bus station and stayed over at my ex’s for another night.

Sunday was spent with a few of my college friends (some who happen to be my ex’s flat mates), one university friend and a few Smash players I have met at tournaments I attended. We went to an all-you-can-eat Dim Sum restaurant. In hindsight, I wish I did eat more. I prefer to get my money’s worth. My favourite has to be the pork puffs which were char sui inside a sweet pastry.Image

 

I was told earlier that my friend had planned to make me a birthday cake and even bought the ingredients. She planned to have my Tomodachi character added on top of the cake. However, she came back home to my ex already making me two birthday cakes. I brought one of them to the restaurant.

 

Image

 

It was a really thoughtful gesture considering I was worried he didn’t remember my birthday as usually I reminded him myself. I know he has no obligation to do so any more. 

I’ve been staying over at his and the other’s place relaxing. Admittedly, I became quite comfortable. There’s endearments and affections I’ve missed and right now I’m holding onto that. I know, I still need to be cautious, but I just want to hold onto this moment of bliss, even if it is temporary. 

Many things have happened this week and one thing I have been trying to stick to is my anxiety workbook. There was one section in particular where constantly seeking advice is another reaction of anxiety. It confirms my suspicion that I need to talk to people less. It’s not just for the sake of my ex, but also for my own sanity. I could be making a horrible mistake, but it’s a decision I have to make and learn from. If I kept on following other people’s advice against my own decisions, I’d always wonder “What if?” I’ve not been doing it for myself, I’ve been doing things because of other people. I have no doubt their advice is right and it is the logical thing to do, but I need to learn what is right for me. I need to have more confidence in my own choices. 

I have also been applying for animation jobs again which is a big deal for me. I’ve always been too frightened to apply but instead, I’m forcing myself to do so even if I feel I will be rejected. I want to work towards happiness even if it may not be something I reach any time soon. I also know, my ex alone can not be my happiness. I plan to go to the gym this week, hopefully tomorrow. 

Currently, I’m feeling positive despite the fact I’m fed up of where I am career wise. I’ve also had very little energy due to being fairly ill and a poor diet. I hope I can change things around.

Catching up on the week of absence

I apologise for the lack of posts, especially since I left it on such a low note. I am feeling better at this current moment. After the last post I ended up finding relief in exhaustion that for a period I stopped over thinking. I was just too drained. Unfortunately all the stress had taken a toll and I have been fairly unwell for the past week, hence why there has been no blogging.

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time with colleagues outside of work and it is always calming. For the most part it’s light hearted and the conversations can be silly but that’s what I need. 

My ex did get contact me again and surprisingly asked me to come to his to spend time together for the night before he goes to work the next day. For once, we didn’t discuss anything, it was just about relaxing. He asked me to come back the next day but we didn’t spend time together this time as I slept in the living room. I ended up spending more time with his house mate as we watched 47 Ronin together eating ribs and fries.

This week has been surprisingly social in comparison to how I usually sit at home with my laptop. On the other hand I’ve not had enough time to recover so I’ve continuously been feeling under the weather. 

I’m happy right now to be at home and do nothing until I start work. Things seem to be going surprisingly well, although I do wish things had been reconciled with the friend. I’m going to try and focus on myself again and not be too reliant on other people. I also have a lot to plan as it is my birthday at the end of the week. I know it’s a day of celebration, but it also means a lot of organising which I personally find stressful as I have to think more about other people feel about the venue and the time. 

I’ll try and update regularly again.

 

I’m burnt out

I don’t know what else to do right now. I don’t have a friend to lend an ear at this moment so all I can do is write.

It’s such a shame, last night I hadn’t been as happy as I was for such a long time. I remembered that my colleagues were a second family for me and everyone was merry. There were some lovely things my colleagues said, although in a drunken state, I would like to believe they meant it from their hearts.

At this moment however, I am a mess. I haven’t felt this despair for such a while yet it’s very familiar. Did I last feel this when I had a break down during my university course? Or did I feel this when I was going through a break up with my ex? Possibly both. It’s a feeling I can’t describe but my chest aches right now and I can’t think straight. I’ve thought things over so much so that I could be sensible and rational. That completely went out of the window.

I spoke to an old friend about my situation and tried to phrase it as if it was something that happened between strangers but then explained it in more detail in the end. His response was to try and talk to my ex and get some clarification, if he refuses to continue on with my life. I didn’t particularly want to speak to my ex as I had already started training myself to move on but I knew a part of me was holding back because nothing was clear cut. However, even now I don’t really know what is going on.

I expect tonight to be the end of whatever hope I had with my ex, but I didn’t expect to lose a friendship also. I know they cared about my well being, but to be judged by my actions with an intense conversation running along side with the nerve-racking conversation with my ex, I couldn’t handle it. This was something I already feared and I’ve stated this in past posts. For friends to get fed up. I can’t think nor can I fathom what has happened in such a short space of time and I’m struggling to deal with it.

I’m sitting on my bed in disbelief with a lack of awareness of my surroundings or time passing. I’m in a lot of pain but I also feel numb, it’s difficult to explain. It’s for this reason that I wanted help. I wanted medication so that I don’t get to this point. I keep thinking about my old technique of coping, my skin itches to be sliced by anything sharp. The thing is, I’ve come a long way from that and I don’t want to return. I’m an adult now, how would I explain the marks to my employers? Grow up. Why do I have to get like this?

I feel ashamed and alone at this moment. Ashamed that I can’t deal with things in a proper manner. Why do I need people to comfort me all the time? I look at the people around me and think to myself, “This is what they must think of me. When will this person get tired of me?” I’m so fed up of myself. I keep wondering to myself if I’m a bad person to be around.

Another day

It’s funny. When I was by myself I didn’t feel lonely. But every time, you teach me what it feels like.

I didn’t plan to make a post today. I think I’ve been posting too regularly that each entry doesn’t particularly have much substance.

I went to my GP today to discuss what I’m feeling, what I’ve been going through, etc. This is hard for me to admit to a complete stranger that I’ve been aware that I’ve needed help for at least 10 years. I’ve been avoiding seeking medical help for so long but today, I finally admitted I have a problem. The thing is, the appointment was for the most part a waste. I came out with antibiotic prescription for an unfortunate infection from shaving, but that’s all. His instant response to my explanation was to prescribe me the anonymous pills like he usually does. There’s no description of what they are or what they do, it’s just, “Take a tablet once a day.” That’s all I get and you know what? I’m tired of this. This is the third time I’ve tried to come to him, and he keeps trying to prescribe me mysterious tablets. There’s not just one type of antidepressants. There’s not one to cure everything. I said that I’d like to know more about CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) but he said it’s just for counselling, they don’t prescribe anything. In addition, he explained that I’m too old for the services. I can somewhat understand that, maybe my colleague just reaches the thresh hold as he’s recently turned 22. However, he also explained that he received specialist help.

I brought home a sheet listing contact details for counselling and psychiatry but I feel a little deflated. I don’t know where to get help. For so long I’ve been trying to push this to the back of my mind. It doesn’t help my ex was and still is completely against this. He thinks people who are depressed are just lazy and need to get on with life. Even if I’m not depressed, why do I have such crippling anxiety when I’m trying to do what I need to do?

I’m going to have to do more research just to get help.

Edit: Just looked at the corner of the sheet that my GP gave me and it says “Updated June 2006.” *Sigh*

Another set back

I don’t want this post to be too long, I don’t have the energy to write.

Today I’ve been struggling to just keep myself together. I’m constantly breathless and I can’t think straight. 

Yesterday was my friend’s birthday meal and my ex was there with his two house mates. I did try to converse with him often but half way through the night I realised to myself that I was trying too hard and I stopped. He didn’t really acknowledge me much and I could tell he had little interest in me. It wasn’t that the night had to be focused on me but I know when he’s in love with me, he’d take quick glances at me and smile. I’ve caught him do it a couple of times, but yesterday wasn’t one of those. I honestly can’t remember much of the night but as soon as I saw my ex my mind went blank. I’ve described it to my friend and my mum but it’s as if I’m constantly tipsy. As hard as I tried to focus on what happened in that presence I couldn’t because my mind was all over the place. I ate half of my burger, barely any of the fries and I only slightly tasted my dessert. This isn’t like me, no matter what, my appetite never changes. I didn’t feel myself at all.

By the end of the night I was in tears to my close friend when I came to the realisation that my ex had lost interest in me. I gave him what he wanted and he had no need for me any more. I can’t say if this was deliberate or if he’s even aware of what he’s doing but regardless, he still did this to me. I was in disbelief that whatever was happening between us had ended in only a week. There were no pleasantries, no concern of well being, it was over. I cried and my heart shattered, again.He ruined me, again. I had only slightly began to believe I could trust him but I honestly thought with his strong morals he would never do this to me. 

Today I’m struggling. I’ve spent my day doing meaningless things such as searching for Filofaxes. I do have reasons, I am trying to think of the future and start organising my life again. I’m trying to think of focusing on myself, but right now I’m too low to pick myself up yet. I feel pathetic. My life, is pathetic. I can’t even bring myself to cry out the emotions today, I’m just sitting here with the pain lodged in my chest. 

It seems I have returned to the beginning of recovery. It feels as if nothing has changed and I’m back to the beginning of this blog again. 

Try to think rationally

I’ve calmed down significantly today although I’ve not completely recovered. My breath is still shallow and I still feel as if something is clenching onto my chest. I can’t seem to let go. Yesterday I had one of my occasional (or frequent) breakdowns where life doesn’t make sense, I don’t make sense, nothing makes sense. Do you know what it feels like to know the logical answer and yet still not be able to follow through with it? I think to myself, “What are you doing?! You know what you need to do, so why aren’t you doing it? What is wrong with you?!” This is my thought process every day. I keep questioning myself, why can’t I just cope? Am I being lazy? The best way to describe it is being able to see the answer in front of you. Then add a thick fog that confuses your senses and direction. You know the answer is there, you know it’s reachable, but why can’t you reach it? You’re lost and you’re panicking. You’re alone. You can make it, but how? When? This is something I experience practically everyday. It ranges from the small things such as my team leader giving me a certain look and tone, to my love life. If that even exists. Every situation no matter the range of threat is treated as if it’s flashing code red. Then there are situations where it goes off the radar and I break down and lose function. 

Yesterday I had to struggle with myself to get ready to go to my mum’s second birthday meal. With the little strength I had I managed to dress reasonable and apply make up carefully despite my eyes burning from the flood of tears earlier. I’m no good at faking smiles and even the waiter jokingly asked why I was so miserable. I hate when strangers do that. “Cheer up! Smile!” If I knew how to do that I would. Even writing long journal entries didn’t diffuse my emotions. I came to the conclusion that I should just cut contact with my ex and be done with it. At least I’d know where I stand and be able to make progress with myself. It was then that he said to me, why does everything have to be serious or nothing? Maybe it’s because I don’t want to get hurt again, I just want to protect myself. It was a little unkind to force a decision especially regarding his current circumstances of working seven days a week. At this moment, I haven’t made a choice, I just simply decided to let it be. I’m not aiming to pursue romance or friendship, I won’t go out of my way for him to be an integral part of my life. The choice I am making is that I need to focus on myself. For too long I have been preoccupied with other people’s well being and progression. 

Yesterday was admitting many things to myself. It was considering the idea that maybe I was being used and that I wasn’t okay with the way things have developed. However, I think the biggest change in me was deciding to seek medical help. I have been avoiding anti depressants like the plague as I simply do not trust it. I’ve read the instructions where it warns you, “You may suffer from suicidal thoughts to begin with…” I also didn’t trust how freely my GP prescribed me. At the time I simply said I was struggling to sleep and bam! Here you go, have some drugs. I’ve been told by my ex, his room mate and my close friend that has a degree in biomedical science to avoid anti depressants. I was pleaded to. There’s one little problem; they’re not experiencing what I deal with everyday. They’re not the ones having to muster energy just to live through one more day. 

I’d like to think I’m a reasonably intelligent person and to feel this vulnerable is terrifying and frustrating. I know the logical answers and I berate myself for not following through something so seemingly simple. I can’t even have a day off where I’m not beating myself up. I know living like this isn’t normal, but most of all it is incredibly draining.

This morning I messaged my colleague asking him for his opinion on anti depressants and to my surprise I discovered he uses them and it’s helped him cope with life. He’s recommended ways to approach this and I am grateful to have someone to have a positive view on the subject. The only other person I know that is using anti depressants is currently void of any emotions and noted that it only seems to help with his stomach problems and nothing else. He did say himself he’s weird. 

Today I’ve spent this morning planning my approach to the week. I’ve decided I want to draw more and even if I don’t want to draw, tough, I have to persevere. If I want to improve I have to continue forth. I always kept saying to myself, why am I not progressing in life? I don’t deserve to be having such a tough time. In truth, I haven’t tried hard enough. I haven’t applied to enough jobs and I guess it is a fear of rejection. I’m not where I want to be because I haven’t fought for it. Some people have had an easier life than I have, but I haven’t done much to change my situation. My first step is to seek help and maybe my journey won’t be as difficult as it needs to be.

 

What am I waiting for?

Yet again, for the past few days I’ve been unable to sleep consistently. At times I would drift off as late as 6am. It’s not that I purposely stay awake either, by midnight I’m already tucked into bed ready to sleep. A shame my mind says other wise. Early in the morning I wrote something simplistic although I didn’t know what I was writing or the purpose of it really. For once, I didn’t feel like writing in my Midori notebook, I just felt tired of always writing what I’m feeling because it become repetitive. It’s for this reason also I detest talking to people about my current feelings. There’s no change, I’m the same day in, day out. Regardless, this is what I wrote on my mobile phone, for no particular reason:

Thoughtless thoughts

The rain is falling at a steady pace against the window to the loft. The small rapid patters are somewhat soothing to the ears but it’s not enough to calm a hectic mind. I’m still laying in bed at almost 6:30am awake yet asleep.  I’d like to drift off and experience the serenity when your tired body accepts and relaxes. But not today, at least not right now.

Each breath is shallow, and with each breath my chest tightens. Not one part of my body welcomes sleep and instead chooses to be on guard from danger. A danger that is forever it seems. Of course it’s nonsense but try and be convincing. My body won’t listen.

I close my eyes, take a sigh, breathe softly and attempt to feign calmness. The only give away is how heavy my chest still feels. 

It’s not particularly long, nor does it have much meaning but to describe the anxiety I have at this moment. I don’t feel enough to cry and it’s apparent I’m not at peace to sleep. Only my mum knows how much trouble I have regarding these past nights, but no one else. I’ve usually thrown everything onto my closest friend but I fear even he’s becoming sick of me. At this moment, I feel alone. It’s stupid because I’m choosing solitude, yet at the same time I don’t want to be a burden to people any more.

For some reason, I’m waiting and hoping this feeling will subside. No, that’s a lie. I’m waiting for him to talk to me again with the keenness he originally expressed. I’ve come to the conclusion we had a misunderstanding and that our argument had flared to unnecessary heights. I was glad to notice this and I took my time to explain my point of view to the ex so he can have a better understanding and realise there were no malice in my words. I thought, things would settle and we’d be able to speak at a normal pace again. Instead the few exchange of words continued until they stopped all together. I waited for the next response that never arrived. I know his routine as he’s fairly predictable. I know what he was doing at that moment and I can most likely predict what he’s doing now. I just wished I meant enough to take a moment for a “Hi. How are you?. How’s your day going?” There’s wishful thinking that he might say, “I’ve been missing you. I want to see you.” I guess my mind is jumping ahead. He did say we’re not serious right now. He’s quick to keep putting that in place, “We’re not even serious.” Does this mean this simply was just sex? It was just a bit of fun after all, but it’s not fun for me any more. I’ll admit, he has said he doesn’t simply want sex from me, but why does he display lack of interest in communicating? I’m most likely over thinking. I’d say 80% over thinking but I can’t be sure of the statistics, it could be higher.

I didn’t want to believe he’s like everyone else, he said he wasn’t. He’s one of the “few good guys” but why hasn’t he proven that? When he’s told me he doesn’t want me for that one thing, he’s been kissing my neck and running his fingers along my body. I’m not sure if you can think straight when lust is high. When writing this, everything seems obvious but I feel like I know him better than the words or actions he’s displaying. He says he’s a simply guy but I’m always getting mixed messages and I spend a certain amount of energy trying to decode. I’m being too obsessive. I don’t feel I’m obsessive over him, but I’m obsessive over the fact I don’t have control of what is going on. He took that away from me. I’m not confident in where I stand or where things are heading but I can sigh with relief if I had a straight answer. A relationship isn’t going to happen? Okay, well I’m removing all contact with you again. Have a good life. It’ll still be a difficult process but at least I’ll know what to do.

I think, I’ve lost faith in chivalry. I’ve lost faith that someone will genuinely adore me.

It was my mother’s 60th birthday yesterday. We went to a restaurant in the evening which was a little bit too expensive for my liking as we’re going to another one tonight as well. I haven’t bought anything since my siblings had already arranged everything and all I need to do is give them the money I owe. I don’t particularly like this approach because I don’t have any say in the choice of gift, but I think once I get paid I’ll choose the gift I’d like to buy for her. I don’t always get along with my mum, my ethics are very different and she has many annoying habits, but she’s always been there for me. She’s the person that has to endure and put up with my unstable side and I know how difficult it must be. I’ll express how I feel in my own way, just not right now.

To tell you the truth, I have still been selfish. I’m trying to experience what is going on around me but the anxiety has created a fog in front of my eyes. I’ve become more withdrawn and spoken less although at times I make small talk so people won’t notice just how miserable I am. When you have siblings who would berate you for looking so dull as well as having two jobs involving communicating with the public, you have to put on a persona to get through the day. That’s what it is, I simply get through the day.

Last night was no different. In order to prevent the worries from festering my mind, I did tedious activities like formatting my phone for example. The battery has been draining rapidly so I randomly decided to wipe my phone. This involved reimporting contacts, reinstalling apps and customising again. I promised myself this time I wouldn’t bloat my phone with needlessness although I find it hard when I enjoy experimenting with apps. I’m quite pleased with the look of the home screens currently.

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It took a while for me to settle on a particular look but it feels tranquil. It’s clean and practical. That’s all I need. The extra inserts for my Midori also arrived this morning along with washi tapes I ordered. I’ve never used washi tapes before nor do I really know what to do with them. I know people use it to decorate notebooks but I’m not the type to focus on the decorating more than the act of writing. I’d like to liven up my journal entries so it would hopefully have some influence on how I feel.

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These are the three tape designs I chose, I do wish I chose more vibrant colours but who can turn down monkeys and bananas? As you can see, I have no idea what to do with them.

This is how I’ve spent my morning so far. Boring, I know. I don’t seem to have particular hobbies and instead I seem to nitpick at small things. Sometimes I feel a little bit pathetic that this is what gets me by. I don’t want to spend money going out right now until I get paid so I’ve limited my options of entertainment. I know I need to distract myself more. I’m not okay, but I’m coping. I’ve been unhappier.