I know I left my previous post on such a low. I am a lot better now. It’s not that my life has drastically changed since, but my GP (reluctantly) signed me off from work for a week. During that time off I mostly stayed indoors, played Danganronpa and then proceeded to play the sequel (which I have yet to even get half way yet) and that is all.
I said goodbye to my friend who has returned to China by meeting in London and eating Korean food for the first time. I had to google it just now to remember the dish I actually ate and it’s called Bibimbap. It involved rice, a runny egg, chilli paste, mushroom and other vegetables and I had to mix it thoroughly before eating. It was quite lovely as we also had a seafood omelette. This was a tiny Korean restaurant where we shared a table with strangers.
I did also go bowling with my retail colleagues although I didn’t actually bowl. This was while I was drained and my eyes were sore from crying. I’ve since managed to reconcile with all my friends. My mum had told me not to hold grudges as people will always do this. She said if I keep taking things too personally I will end up with no friends, so I decided to just let go.
On the other hand, I’ve decided not to pursue things any further with my ex. Despite telling him I’ve been signed off from work due to stress he kept persisting I send him nude photos and consistently sending me videos and photos of himself in hope of returning some. When I messaged him to make sure he does want more than sex his response was, “Not this again.” When I stated he still didn’t answer my question he messaged back, “Ok random mood swing change mind person. I’m not wasting time doing this conversation.” We’ve barely spoken apart from me prompting for him to return my old laptop back. This isn’t out of spite, my brother has taken my mum’s laptop and she’s been fumbling with a tablet to do everything. Due to taking time off and not receiving sick pay, I can’t afford to travel to London just to collect my laptop.
The reason why I’ve found enough is enough is due to the fact that his retaliation was to punish me with silent treatment even though the question was a simple yes or no answer. It doesn’t give me much faith, particularly as the only time he seems to respond immediately is if the conversation is of a sexual nature. In all honesty, it gets too repetitive and stale as there’s not even any flirting involved. What was a turning point for me was realising he wouldn’t speak to me, I discovered that I didn’t care. I didn’t care if he would stop speaking to me. Usually this was a way for him to control me as I grovel and beg for him to speak to me, but this is no longer the case.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t have feelings. My ex has been in my dreams every night so far much to my dread. However, I think I’m finally reaching a point where I don’t feel as if I’m in love with him. I don’t yearn for him, I don’t particularly care if he’s in my life. Being back in contact with him has made me feel lonely and believe me, I can be lonely all by myself. He doesn’t add anything to my life apart from a dread that he can snap at me with his temper at times. He’s not a bad person, but his behaviour towards me leaves me much to be desired. Since I’m the closest to him, it seems I receive the brunt of the abuse. I also realised that he uses my mental health to his advantage and that’s something I still haven’t forgiven him. The last time we argued he attempted to render me paranoid about my friends to give him an upper hand. It didn’t work in the first place, but after confronting my friends, I realised he was lying. Not even twisting the truth, just outright lies.
Regardless, I need to focus on myself. I have been applying for jobs on the whim during the weekend and so far I’ve received two rejections. I’m not quite sure what I’d like to do with my life still. I am at a stand still but leaving my office job seems to be a priority at this moment.
I am blessed that I have decent co workers in both my jobs and it makes things bearable. I can laugh in dire situations and that’s a powerful thing.
I want to attempt to make positive habits, particularly when it comes to my mental health. I would like to return to doing meditation, following my self help books and keeping a daily journal. I may do another entry of apps and books I feel have been beneficial. I also need to return to exercising as my physical health has been extremely poor.
I’m not in bliss, but I’ve at least managed to pick myself up from the turmoil I felt in my previous entry.