So I attended another tournament and again was involved with the sign ups. I didn’t expect to see my ex as soon as I arrived which did take me back a little. I had an awkward moment where I had to wait for my friend to let me in so I could help him with setting up. I honestly didn’t know how I would react towards the ex this time as my emotions have been erratic. Surprisingly for possibly the both of us I was quite civil. We didn’t speak personally, but we often participated in the same conversations with people. I’d say he mostly intercepted my conversations with friends than I did, and even grabbed a chair to move closer to us. At one point I was trying out the lightning bolt challenge on the PS Vita version of Final Fantasy X (which I think is harder than Flappy Birds by the way!) and my ex hovered behind me and told me to time it to the flashing of the screen. It’s little interactions that were made. I thought the day was successful until the next day I realised my feelings had reappeared again. It wasn’t so much from seeing him, but just being in an environment and speaking to him. I realised how much I missed him. Even the weather right now makes me think of the picnics we use to go on before and during our relationship. We’d have a blanket spread out with cushions while sharing a baguette in the sun. I miss his presence and resting my head on his chest. What I don’t miss are the other times where things have been terrible. It’s for this reason that my heart and my head are conflicting.
The logical solution is to do nothing. To continue on with my life as I am now and focusing on myself. However, my heart is still clinging onto false hope. False hope I have created for myself. I’ve been told he still had feelings for me, but at the same time it seems to be clear he doesn’t want me. I’ve been told by the same person he’s happy by himself, so why have I started to have hope again? Why am I hurting myself again? For the past couple of days I honestly thought if I could do something, or if things played out a bit longer maybe we’d reconcile. That maybe, this time apart would mean a brand new relationship where the past could disappear. But, I’m just being silly of course, to clutch onto such hope. I know he doesn’t want me and he’s not particularly fussed that I’m not a part of his life any more, so why am I being like this? I’m so mad at myself for being stupid. I didn’t want my feelings to flare up, and I let my guard down if only for a moment. My friend invited me to a picnic on Sunday, but she’s also invited my ex. She’s also invited someone who would be quite smug about our break up which I dread. I’d like to enjoy the sunny weather while it lasts in England although my emotions are all over the place.
Why am I wanting to chase after someone who would never do the same for me? I’m not in denial about how dreadful the relationship was at times, nor have I forgotten what he did to me, but why do I love him anyway? I’m getting my hopes up when there were no signs. This is why, we can’t be friends. I’m stupid, stupid, stupid.