Yet again, for the past few days I’ve been unable to sleep consistently. At times I would drift off as late as 6am. It’s not that I purposely stay awake either, by midnight I’m already tucked into bed ready to sleep. A shame my mind says other wise. Early in the morning I wrote something simplistic although I didn’t know what I was writing or the purpose of it really. For once, I didn’t feel like writing in my Midori notebook, I just felt tired of always writing what I’m feeling because it become repetitive. It’s for this reason also I detest talking to people about my current feelings. There’s no change, I’m the same day in, day out. Regardless, this is what I wrote on my mobile phone, for no particular reason:
The rain is falling at a steady pace against the window to the loft. The small rapid patters are somewhat soothing to the ears but it’s not enough to calm a hectic mind. I’m still laying in bed at almost 6:30am awake yet asleep. I’d like to drift off and experience the serenity when your tired body accepts and relaxes. But not today, at least not right now.
Each breath is shallow, and with each breath my chest tightens. Not one part of my body welcomes sleep and instead chooses to be on guard from danger. A danger that is forever it seems. Of course it’s nonsense but try and be convincing. My body won’t listen.
I close my eyes, take a sigh, breathe softly and attempt to feign calmness. The only give away is how heavy my chest still feels.
It’s not particularly long, nor does it have much meaning but to describe the anxiety I have at this moment. I don’t feel enough to cry and it’s apparent I’m not at peace to sleep. Only my mum knows how much trouble I have regarding these past nights, but no one else. I’ve usually thrown everything onto my closest friend but I fear even he’s becoming sick of me. At this moment, I feel alone. It’s stupid because I’m choosing solitude, yet at the same time I don’t want to be a burden to people any more.
For some reason, I’m waiting and hoping this feeling will subside. No, that’s a lie. I’m waiting for him to talk to me again with the keenness he originally expressed. I’ve come to the conclusion we had a misunderstanding and that our argument had flared to unnecessary heights. I was glad to notice this and I took my time to explain my point of view to the ex so he can have a better understanding and realise there were no malice in my words. I thought, things would settle and we’d be able to speak at a normal pace again. Instead the few exchange of words continued until they stopped all together. I waited for the next response that never arrived. I know his routine as he’s fairly predictable. I know what he was doing at that moment and I can most likely predict what he’s doing now. I just wished I meant enough to take a moment for a “Hi. How are you?. How’s your day going?” There’s wishful thinking that he might say, “I’ve been missing you. I want to see you.” I guess my mind is jumping ahead. He did say we’re not serious right now. He’s quick to keep putting that in place, “We’re not even serious.” Does this mean this simply was just sex? It was just a bit of fun after all, but it’s not fun for me any more. I’ll admit, he has said he doesn’t simply want sex from me, but why does he display lack of interest in communicating? I’m most likely over thinking. I’d say 80% over thinking but I can’t be sure of the statistics, it could be higher.
I didn’t want to believe he’s like everyone else, he said he wasn’t. He’s one of the “few good guys” but why hasn’t he proven that? When he’s told me he doesn’t want me for that one thing, he’s been kissing my neck and running his fingers along my body. I’m not sure if you can think straight when lust is high. When writing this, everything seems obvious but I feel like I know him better than the words or actions he’s displaying. He says he’s a simply guy but I’m always getting mixed messages and I spend a certain amount of energy trying to decode. I’m being too obsessive. I don’t feel I’m obsessive over him, but I’m obsessive over the fact I don’t have control of what is going on. He took that away from me. I’m not confident in where I stand or where things are heading but I can sigh with relief if I had a straight answer. A relationship isn’t going to happen? Okay, well I’m removing all contact with you again. Have a good life. It’ll still be a difficult process but at least I’ll know what to do.
I think, I’ve lost faith in chivalry. I’ve lost faith that someone will genuinely adore me.
It was my mother’s 60th birthday yesterday. We went to a restaurant in the evening which was a little bit too expensive for my liking as we’re going to another one tonight as well. I haven’t bought anything since my siblings had already arranged everything and all I need to do is give them the money I owe. I don’t particularly like this approach because I don’t have any say in the choice of gift, but I think once I get paid I’ll choose the gift I’d like to buy for her. I don’t always get along with my mum, my ethics are very different and she has many annoying habits, but she’s always been there for me. She’s the person that has to endure and put up with my unstable side and I know how difficult it must be. I’ll express how I feel in my own way, just not right now.
To tell you the truth, I have still been selfish. I’m trying to experience what is going on around me but the anxiety has created a fog in front of my eyes. I’ve become more withdrawn and spoken less although at times I make small talk so people won’t notice just how miserable I am. When you have siblings who would berate you for looking so dull as well as having two jobs involving communicating with the public, you have to put on a persona to get through the day. That’s what it is, I simply get through the day.
Last night was no different. In order to prevent the worries from festering my mind, I did tedious activities like formatting my phone for example. The battery has been draining rapidly so I randomly decided to wipe my phone. This involved reimporting contacts, reinstalling apps and customising again. I promised myself this time I wouldn’t bloat my phone with needlessness although I find it hard when I enjoy experimenting with apps. I’m quite pleased with the look of the home screens currently.
It took a while for me to settle on a particular look but it feels tranquil. It’s clean and practical. That’s all I need. The extra inserts for my Midori also arrived this morning along with washi tapes I ordered. I’ve never used washi tapes before nor do I really know what to do with them. I know people use it to decorate notebooks but I’m not the type to focus on the decorating more than the act of writing. I’d like to liven up my journal entries so it would hopefully have some influence on how I feel.
These are the three tape designs I chose, I do wish I chose more vibrant colours but who can turn down monkeys and bananas? As you can see, I have no idea what to do with them.
This is how I’ve spent my morning so far. Boring, I know. I don’t seem to have particular hobbies and instead I seem to nitpick at small things. Sometimes I feel a little bit pathetic that this is what gets me by. I don’t want to spend money going out right now until I get paid so I’ve limited my options of entertainment. I know I need to distract myself more. I’m not okay, but I’m coping. I’ve been unhappier.