Playing the waiting game

Friday was my last day at my office job. I am going to miss my colleagues. Another colleague left the same day with me and we went to celebrate with a Brazilian buffet and a film afterwards. We ended up seeing The Equalizer with Denzel Washington. I had no expectations and I was very close to not going at all due to working both jobs that day and having a heavy meal. I thoroughly enjoyed the film and I would watch it again. It’s a good action film.

That wasn’t the only change to happen, my ex contacted me last week pointing out that he knows that I’ve decided to cut contact with him. He requested two things: 1. What should he do with the dress he has that I usually sleep in 2. To delete any nude photos of him. That was all was said and after we came to a solution, his response was, “K, bye.”

And just like that, over 5 years of being in my life ended with “K, bye.” I had hoped he’d ask why I stopped making the effort of talking, but at the same time I don’t see why I was expected to be the one to initiate conversations. I had to accept that he was to busy to meet me occasionally or even leave a text, although his responses were snappy when sex was involved.

I got tired. I got tired of being made to feel my only use was for sex or to send nude photos even when I didn’t want to. I also got weary of the fact I was made to feel there was something wrong with me for getting depressed and have breakdowns. In response to asking that he doesn’t just want to be with me because of sex, it was “Here we go again, I don’t have time to answer with your mood swings.” This all happened when I had a break down and was signed off work by my GP. Instead of asking about my well-being, I was coerced into sending nude photos, even if I wasn’t in the mood I was told to get in the mood. My mental state was fragile and that was all that seemed to matter. Our conversation never recovered when he decided to avoid answering my question. He did message me about his living arrangements, but when I told him I was to be fired at the end of the month and he responded with, “Well, you got your wish”, I realised I’m never going to get the support I want or really need.

Unfortunately, this will still be a long process to reverse the damage he’s done to me mentally. I can’t blame the entirety of my mental status on him, but he did manage to prolong the effects and dare I say, even made it more difficult. I realised recently, he used my fear of my mental health to his own benefit.

“They hate playing games with you that they stopped playing the game because of you. They think you’re too controlling.”

“The whole group has been complaining about you.”

“I know you’ve told other people i’m a prick. They’ve told me themselves. All the people you’ve spoken to speak to me you know, don’t think I’m stupid.”

At the time, I believed him. I confronted people about this, particularly about the gaming, they all said either they wanted to play a different game or they can only play games at night. Their decision had no bearing on me. At the time, I still believed my ex over them. I became paranoid that this is what people really think of me. It was only in the last few months I realised he lies. In the last argument I asked 90% of the people he mentioned and all of them denied what he had claimed. Some were even offended. I said I had forgiven him, but I hadn’t. It’s horrible to think that I was purposely being made to feel alienated, but it’s only now I’ve been in the right state that I could rationally reflect on the situation.

I truly loved this person and to come to a realisation that the person I loved was trying to ruin me mentally makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t feel I can trust again because my own mind is my fear and I thought a partner would help you through it, not create paranoia from thin air.

I no longer feel close to people and I guess I am still paranoid. I think, I’m beginning to finally move on after coming to an understanding but I’m not happy. I spoke to my colleague at lunch yesterday and he said I still won’t be happy for a very long time.

I’m not sure why I’ve ranted so much about my ex, I didn’t want to but I’ve been unable to sleep for a while now. When I did, he would always be in my dreams even if his role is minimal. Eventually, I won’t need to mention him again.

The reason for the title is actually irrelevant to the above, but it is due to having an interview yesterday. I was called the day before and in all honesty I had forgot that I even applied for the job. I went through a frenzy and applied for anything and everything a month ago when I was unhappy with my office job. I received no responses so I gave up. This wasn’t the career I had in mind so I should not be too heartbroken if I don’t get it, but I do want a chance of a proper full time job that doesn’t involve selling. I want better wages and I want a more challenging role. At this moment in my retail store, I simply stand at the front near the entrance and greet people. If someone approaches the phones and tablets by the window I try to get a sale in or persuade the customer to trade in their old technology. That is my sole role. I didn’t go to university and study for four years for this. I want more to my life. I want to work hard and be so busy that I can collapse into my bed.

I hope something good will come for me after a stressful couple of months. Fingers crossed.

Changes

I handed in my resignation for my office job. I knew this was a decision I had to think about, but in the end I was given no choice.

My choices were resign or be fired at the end of the month. I’ve failed to be hush, hush about this but I don’t see why I should hide the tyranny of the company. I meant nothing to the company and I was never valued. This isn’t a shock but the lack of care towards the staff never ceases to amaze me. In the end, I was just a pawn.

I’ve never been told that whether I passed my probation or not, but I guess it no longer matters. I told my ex that I was going to get fired and his response was, “Well, you got your wish.”

My last day will be next Friday but I’m finding it reasonably liberating. I still work the same as before, but today I’ve been sketching while selling PPI over the phone.

I’ll be able to get more hours at my retail job as I’ve been told I’ll be working weekdays. My role will be as the ‘tech guy’. I’ll be selling and trading as well as testing. We have a new manager yet again. My previous one suddenly left and decided to move up north. I’m not so sure of this one. I don’t really like his sense of humour. I wasn’t working on Saturday and was going to offer to still help out of choice. My manager felt like it was compulsory for me to help despite not being paid for this. I don’t like volunteered work to be expected.

Despite these things, I’ve been more motivated. I cracked out After Effects and started with some experiments. I’ve been talking to a colleague about the mentality of success. I feel now is the time for me to work on progression.

I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to post

I know I left my previous post on such a low. I am a lot better now. It’s not that my life has drastically changed since, but my GP (reluctantly) signed me off from work for a week. During that time off I mostly stayed indoors, played Danganronpa and then proceeded to play the sequel (which I have yet to even get half way yet) and that is all.

I said goodbye to my friend who has returned to China by meeting in London and eating Korean food for the first time. I had to google it just now to remember the dish I actually ate and it’s called Bibimbap. It involved rice, a runny egg, chilli paste, mushroom and other vegetables and I had to mix it thoroughly before eating. It was quite lovely as we also had a seafood omelette. This was a tiny Korean restaurant where we shared a table with strangers.

I did also go bowling with my retail colleagues although I didn’t actually bowl. This was while I was drained and my eyes were sore from crying. I’ve since managed to reconcile with all my friends. My mum had told me not to hold grudges as people will always do this. She said if I keep taking things too personally I will end up with no friends, so I decided to just let go.

On the other hand, I’ve decided not to pursue things any further with my ex. Despite telling him I’ve been signed off from work due to stress he kept persisting I send him nude photos and consistently sending me videos and photos of himself in hope of returning some. When I messaged him to make sure he does want more than sex his response was, “Not this again.” When I stated he still didn’t answer my question he messaged back, “Ok random mood swing change mind person. I’m not wasting time doing this conversation.” We’ve barely spoken apart from me prompting for him to return my old laptop back. This isn’t out of spite, my brother has taken my mum’s laptop and she’s been fumbling with a tablet to do everything. Due to taking time off and not receiving sick pay, I can’t afford to travel to London just to collect my laptop.

The reason why I’ve found enough is enough is due to the fact that his retaliation was to punish me with silent treatment even though the question was a simple yes or no answer. It doesn’t give me much faith, particularly as the only time he seems to respond immediately is if the conversation is of a sexual nature. In all honesty, it gets too repetitive and stale as there’s not even any flirting involved. What was a turning point for me was realising he wouldn’t speak to me, I discovered that I didn’t care. I didn’t care if he would stop speaking to me. Usually this was a way for him to control me as I grovel and beg for him to speak to me, but this is no longer the case.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t have feelings. My ex has been in my dreams every night so far much to my dread. However, I think I’m finally reaching a point where I don’t feel as if I’m in love with him. I don’t yearn for him, I don’t particularly care if he’s in my life. Being back in contact with him has made me feel lonely and believe me, I can be lonely all by myself. He doesn’t add anything to my life apart from a dread that he can snap at me with his temper at times. He’s not a bad person, but his behaviour towards me leaves me much to be desired. Since I’m the closest to him, it seems I receive the brunt of the abuse. I also realised that he uses my mental health to his advantage and that’s something I still haven’t forgiven him. The last time we argued he attempted to render me paranoid about my friends to give him an upper hand. It didn’t work in the first place, but after confronting my friends, I realised he was lying. Not even twisting the truth, just outright lies.

Regardless, I need to focus on myself. I have been applying for jobs on the whim during the weekend and so far I’ve received two rejections. I’m not quite sure what I’d like to do with my life still. I am at a stand still but leaving my office job seems to be a priority at this moment.

I am blessed that I have decent co workers in both my jobs and it makes things bearable. I can laugh in dire situations and that’s a powerful thing.

I want to attempt to make positive habits, particularly when it comes to my mental health. I would like to return to doing meditation, following my self help books and keeping a daily journal.  I may do another entry of apps and books I feel have been beneficial. I also need to return to exercising as my physical health has been extremely poor.

I’m not in bliss, but I’ve at least managed to pick myself up from the turmoil I felt in my previous entry.

Low mood

The past week has been possibly the worst I’ve gone through in the terms of emotional support.

I’ve come to realise the people in my life fail to be supportive when I need them the most. It would be simpler if at the time they couldn’t be there, but instead I’m on the receiving end of people’s frustrations. Despite the fact I may be correcting assumptions or even trying to be neutral in a situation, in the end I seem to get a cold response.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I hate my jobs and I don’t have supportive people in my life. Honestly, I’m surprised I haven’t resorted back to self harming or tried to kill myself. At least when I’ve had break downs previously, I had some people and I did also receive counselling at the time. This time, I have nothing. 

I work six days a week at a job that makes me anxious before I even step foot into the building and there’s always drama at my other job that I seem to get involved in despite aiming to be neutral. I have an (ex) partner who can’t be bothered to meet up with me when I’m struggling emotionally. Despite trying to correct his assumption that I’d want him to travel to me to spend time together, his reaction is to get back to work and ignore me.

I hate feeling like a victim and being the type to think, “Nobody cares about me” but the people closest to me have failed to not add extra stress to my life. I don’t feel I’m important to anyone and I think I have good reason for feeling this way. I am absolutely amazed that people have actually let me down when they’re needed the most. Instead I get a blunt response and that’s that.

I don’t have hope at this moment. I’m ashamed that I can’t just get on and deal with the shit I’m going through. Most people have to. I don’t particularly want to be alive, but I have no energy to even be suicidal. I just feel numb. 

More impulse buying

I now own my very first iPad. I’ve not had an Apple device for four years. Why I needed one now, god knows. I stopped bringing my Galaxy Note tablet with me as much everyday. I only keep my Filofax for work. I found when lying in bed instead of reaching for my tablet, I’d go for my phone instead. I found the size was a bit inconvenient when I wanted to read articles in bed. So, I downsized and decided I wanted something different and got the iPad mini with retina display.

I still wouldn’t turn to Apple for mobile phones, I love the customisation Android offers. Even now, I’ve realised there’s simple things that Android gets right to make the experience easier. Learning how to use the iOS is taking some getting use to, but it seems fine. I do give credit to Apple for the clean and sleek interface. On the other hand, I’ve not experienced the “it just works” from iOS. I tried to read the Kotaku website on the iPad mini and each time it force quit the browser. I found that amusing.

I’ve not experienced the amazing app store since I discovered that it’s filled with a lot of rubbish just as much as Android. There are a few gems, but I’ll have to filter it out with some research. These things I mention don’t bother me so much, but what I do miss is my pressure sensitive stylus. 

You see, I’ve been doing some concept art for a friend’s music video and I’ve had to keep returning to my trusty Galaxy Note tablet since I still don’t have Photoshop installed. I need to find a way around this with the iPad as it could be a deal breaker for me. 

20140824_161419

 

It’s already fairly dirty. I need to get a cloth to keep wiping.

 

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I bought this case for the iPad mini, but I actually dislike the colour of this cover. I’m not sure what about it I dislike as I love lilac usually. I may purchase another case once I get paid as this was only £5 or £6. In the mean time, it does it’s job. My iPod touch is actually the reason why I immediately buy covers for devices. The first day I was given my iPod touch, I tripped over the cable connected between my laptop and iPod touch and it scraped against the floor.

Talking about technology doesn’t seem like it’s related to my previous post, but I have a bad habit of buying new things when I’m unhappy. I had planned to buy this anyway when I thought I’d potentially get the job, and I ended up buying it anyway because I was so disappointed. Gadgets seem to distract me temporarily. A very bad habit.

Lonely Sunday

This week has been an influx of nonsensical emotions. I know I’m being unreasonable, but today I’ve began feeling particularly lonely. This week’s discovery has been to no longer put other people before myself. This does not mean I will be selfish, I still like to help others, but not at the cost of myself or my own happiness. Having others use you is unavoidable it seems, and you have to expect it. My mum has always told me I take things to heart and maybe that’s true. I always feel as if I’m being knocked down.

At this moment, I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel I can reach my ambition, I don’t feel I’ll experience true love, and I don’t feel I have friends I can always rely on. I’m not suggesting my friends are terrible, but I don’t have a friend at times when I need someone the most. Or even a partner for that matter. My ex has told me that I always feel that no one loves me, no one cares when that’s not true. I guess he’s right, and I hate believing he’s right in anything. I can’t keep thinking I’m a victim. Even if I have been a victim of people’s behaviour, there’s no reason to let it affect my life. 

I’m not sure why I get like this at times. I know that being this way just puts me at a halt and is incredibly unproductive. I keep going through phases of paranoia despite the fact I know it’s silly and questioning my relationships with people does no good. I know, this feeling is only temporary, but I just hate being this unhappy. 

Lonely Sunday

This week has been an influx of nonsensical emotions. I know I’m being unreasonable, but today I’ve began feeling particularly lonely. This week’s discovery has been to no longer put other people before myself. This does not mean I will be selfish, I still like to help others, but not at the cost of myself or my own happiness. Having others use you is unavoidable it seems, and you have to expect it. My mum has always told me I take things to heart and maybe that’s true. I always feel as if I’m being knocked down.

At this moment, I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel I can reach my ambition, I don’t feel I’ll experience true love, and I don’t feel I have friends I can always rely on. I’m not suggesting my friends are terrible, but I don’t have a friend at times when I need someone the most. Or even a partner for that matter. My ex has told me that I always feel that no one loves me, no one cares when that’s not true. I guess he’s right, and I hate believing he’s right in anything. I can’t keep thinking I’m a victim. Even if I have been a victim of people’s behaviour, there’s no reason to let it affect my life. 

I’m not sure why I get like this at times. I know that being this way just puts me at a halt and is incredibly unproductive. I keep going through phases of paranoia despite the fact I know it’s silly and questioning my relationships with people does no good. I know, this feeling is only temporary, but I just hate being this unhappy. 

No Luck Yet

Unfortunately, I didn’t get the job. I am disappointed because I’m so desperate to leave retail and sales. I’m finding it too stressful to continue doing six days a week. 

I told my ex and his only response was, “Unfortunate.” I can’t help but feel irritated because he was partially the reason why I was aiming to get a better job. I want to help my mum and I wanted to help him find somewhere to live by moving in with him to split the rent. I know, this isn’t the most sensible idea but I was worried about his well being. As annoyed I may get, I still don’t wish for him to be homeless. However, his attitude isn’t enticing me to live with him. I didn’t expect a great deal of support, but I expected a bit more of feedback such as, “Next time!” or “Don’t worry. Something better will come along!” No. It’s one word and that was his latest response since Saturday. 

I know I’m ranting, I do feel a bit unhappy. I wish I could just spend money without any worries and treat myself. I’ve come to reality that I need to help support my mum and working two jobs doesn’t even amount to one full time job. I wish I had someone to help me. I’ve only left university recently and already I have responsibilities. For now, my dream of moving into my own place has to be put on hold. 

I feel I think of other people so much and yet nothing good happens for me. I’m always struggling. 

Fingers Crossed!

I went for an internal vacancy last week as Assistant IT Support. Anything to get out of a sales job. I had my interview on Friday and I feel it went reasonably well. The person interviewing me seemed to very much like me as a person and he did say it will be between me and one other person so there’s a 50/50 chance. I’ll be finding out today and I’m nervous. I feel quite confident, but then I deflate it myself so I don’t feel so disappointed if I don’t get the job. I know who the person is that he’s considering and in all honesty, I wouldn’t mind if he gets it either. He’s very quiet, works hard and I think he seems pleasant. It’s just, I would like to get the job also. 

Financially, I’ve been coping fairly well, but then my mum has admitted that she’s struggling to pay for the bills and is relying on her disability allowance. Unfortunately as she turned 60, the government pushed her pension to 65. I do fear that when she DOES turn 65, they’ll push her pension to 70 and she’ll never reach it. Right now my mum’s ankles has swollen and she can’t move too much. At least with the extra income, she wouldn’t have to worry. I do however, wish she had told me sooner. I would have spent less money during the month as I’ve figured I’d treat myself.

This job isn’t my dream job but, I would like to learn new skills. The reason why I feel so frustrated at this moment is because there’s no challenges or variety. 

I told my ex that I had an interview coming. I haven’t heard from him since we saw Inbetweeners 2 on Thursday. I dropped in conversation, “My interview went well by the way” but no response. I wish he was a little bit more interested or at least wished me luck. Last time I saw him, he was fairly pleasant as he hugged me often and kissed my cheek. I just, wish he was supportive of this as I’m in need of a full time job.

My colleagues have been very supportive, trying to calm me down and wishing me luck. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get this, but it would make life easier.