More impulse buying

I now own my very first iPad. I’ve not had an Apple device for four years. Why I needed one now, god knows. I stopped bringing my Galaxy Note tablet with me as much everyday. I only keep my Filofax for work. I found when lying in bed instead of reaching for my tablet, I’d go for my phone instead. I found the size was a bit inconvenient when I wanted to read articles in bed. So, I downsized and decided I wanted something different and got the iPad mini with retina display.

I still wouldn’t turn to Apple for mobile phones, I love the customisation Android offers. Even now, I’ve realised there’s simple things that Android gets right to make the experience easier. Learning how to use the iOS is taking some getting use to, but it seems fine. I do give credit to Apple for the clean and sleek interface. On the other hand, I’ve not experienced the “it just works” from iOS. I tried to read the Kotaku website on the iPad mini and each time it force quit the browser. I found that amusing.

I’ve not experienced the amazing app store since I discovered that it’s filled with a lot of rubbish just as much as Android. There are a few gems, but I’ll have to filter it out with some research. These things I mention don’t bother me so much, but what I do miss is my pressure sensitive stylus. 

You see, I’ve been doing some concept art for a friend’s music video and I’ve had to keep returning to my trusty Galaxy Note tablet since I still don’t have Photoshop installed. I need to find a way around this with the iPad as it could be a deal breaker for me. 

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It’s already fairly dirty. I need to get a cloth to keep wiping.

 

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I bought this case for the iPad mini, but I actually dislike the colour of this cover. I’m not sure what about it I dislike as I love lilac usually. I may purchase another case once I get paid as this was only £5 or £6. In the mean time, it does it’s job. My iPod touch is actually the reason why I immediately buy covers for devices. The first day I was given my iPod touch, I tripped over the cable connected between my laptop and iPod touch and it scraped against the floor.

Talking about technology doesn’t seem like it’s related to my previous post, but I have a bad habit of buying new things when I’m unhappy. I had planned to buy this anyway when I thought I’d potentially get the job, and I ended up buying it anyway because I was so disappointed. Gadgets seem to distract me temporarily. A very bad habit.

Lonely Sunday

This week has been an influx of nonsensical emotions. I know I’m being unreasonable, but today I’ve began feeling particularly lonely. This week’s discovery has been to no longer put other people before myself. This does not mean I will be selfish, I still like to help others, but not at the cost of myself or my own happiness. Having others use you is unavoidable it seems, and you have to expect it. My mum has always told me I take things to heart and maybe that’s true. I always feel as if I’m being knocked down.

At this moment, I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel I can reach my ambition, I don’t feel I’ll experience true love, and I don’t feel I have friends I can always rely on. I’m not suggesting my friends are terrible, but I don’t have a friend at times when I need someone the most. Or even a partner for that matter. My ex has told me that I always feel that no one loves me, no one cares when that’s not true. I guess he’s right, and I hate believing he’s right in anything. I can’t keep thinking I’m a victim. Even if I have been a victim of people’s behaviour, there’s no reason to let it affect my life. 

I’m not sure why I get like this at times. I know that being this way just puts me at a halt and is incredibly unproductive. I keep going through phases of paranoia despite the fact I know it’s silly and questioning my relationships with people does no good. I know, this feeling is only temporary, but I just hate being this unhappy. 

Lonely Sunday

This week has been an influx of nonsensical emotions. I know I’m being unreasonable, but today I’ve began feeling particularly lonely. This week’s discovery has been to no longer put other people before myself. This does not mean I will be selfish, I still like to help others, but not at the cost of myself or my own happiness. Having others use you is unavoidable it seems, and you have to expect it. My mum has always told me I take things to heart and maybe that’s true. I always feel as if I’m being knocked down.

At this moment, I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel I can reach my ambition, I don’t feel I’ll experience true love, and I don’t feel I have friends I can always rely on. I’m not suggesting my friends are terrible, but I don’t have a friend at times when I need someone the most. Or even a partner for that matter. My ex has told me that I always feel that no one loves me, no one cares when that’s not true. I guess he’s right, and I hate believing he’s right in anything. I can’t keep thinking I’m a victim. Even if I have been a victim of people’s behaviour, there’s no reason to let it affect my life. 

I’m not sure why I get like this at times. I know that being this way just puts me at a halt and is incredibly unproductive. I keep going through phases of paranoia despite the fact I know it’s silly and questioning my relationships with people does no good. I know, this feeling is only temporary, but I just hate being this unhappy. 

No Luck Yet

Unfortunately, I didn’t get the job. I am disappointed because I’m so desperate to leave retail and sales. I’m finding it too stressful to continue doing six days a week. 

I told my ex and his only response was, “Unfortunate.” I can’t help but feel irritated because he was partially the reason why I was aiming to get a better job. I want to help my mum and I wanted to help him find somewhere to live by moving in with him to split the rent. I know, this isn’t the most sensible idea but I was worried about his well being. As annoyed I may get, I still don’t wish for him to be homeless. However, his attitude isn’t enticing me to live with him. I didn’t expect a great deal of support, but I expected a bit more of feedback such as, “Next time!” or “Don’t worry. Something better will come along!” No. It’s one word and that was his latest response since Saturday. 

I know I’m ranting, I do feel a bit unhappy. I wish I could just spend money without any worries and treat myself. I’ve come to reality that I need to help support my mum and working two jobs doesn’t even amount to one full time job. I wish I had someone to help me. I’ve only left university recently and already I have responsibilities. For now, my dream of moving into my own place has to be put on hold. 

I feel I think of other people so much and yet nothing good happens for me. I’m always struggling. 

Fingers Crossed!

I went for an internal vacancy last week as Assistant IT Support. Anything to get out of a sales job. I had my interview on Friday and I feel it went reasonably well. The person interviewing me seemed to very much like me as a person and he did say it will be between me and one other person so there’s a 50/50 chance. I’ll be finding out today and I’m nervous. I feel quite confident, but then I deflate it myself so I don’t feel so disappointed if I don’t get the job. I know who the person is that he’s considering and in all honesty, I wouldn’t mind if he gets it either. He’s very quiet, works hard and I think he seems pleasant. It’s just, I would like to get the job also. 

Financially, I’ve been coping fairly well, but then my mum has admitted that she’s struggling to pay for the bills and is relying on her disability allowance. Unfortunately as she turned 60, the government pushed her pension to 65. I do fear that when she DOES turn 65, they’ll push her pension to 70 and she’ll never reach it. Right now my mum’s ankles has swollen and she can’t move too much. At least with the extra income, she wouldn’t have to worry. I do however, wish she had told me sooner. I would have spent less money during the month as I’ve figured I’d treat myself.

This job isn’t my dream job but, I would like to learn new skills. The reason why I feel so frustrated at this moment is because there’s no challenges or variety. 

I told my ex that I had an interview coming. I haven’t heard from him since we saw Inbetweeners 2 on Thursday. I dropped in conversation, “My interview went well by the way” but no response. I wish he was a little bit more interested or at least wished me luck. Last time I saw him, he was fairly pleasant as he hugged me often and kissed my cheek. I just, wish he was supportive of this as I’m in need of a full time job.

My colleagues have been very supportive, trying to calm me down and wishing me luck. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get this, but it would make life easier.

A Week of no rest

I managed to finally book some time off for myself at both my jobs. I’ve become increasingly fed up of the management and the drama involved. In one job the manager has become an enemy to all staff, in the other the assistant manager is becoming power mad and enforcing ridiculous rules. I needed the break. However, I barely managed to use my week off to relax.

I came with my friend to go to the clinic twice for some tests. Once on Tuesday and then on Friday we met at 8am in the morning to head our away. On Thursday I went to look at a flat for my ex since he has had to suddenly move out and he has two weeks to move out of his dad’s. 

I’ve spent my time generally doing things for other people instead of relaxing. In addition, I have been having terrible trouble sleeping. I keep tossing and turning. I’m not sure if this is down to anxiety. I’ve been found to be severely low in Vitamin D and it has been three weeks since I started taking the capsules, but I’ve still felt physically exhausted. 

Yesterday I was at a Smash tournament and did some photography. I saw my ex for the first time in three weeks due to his hectic circumstances. He was generally pleasant although it has been dulled by the argument we had through instant messaging while I was looking after my sister’s flat. I can’t help but be cautious. I know I can’t keep it against him forever, but it did make me feel I need to be careful. I wasn’t particularly hurt like I usually feel, but it was still a halt to our progression. On the other hand he has asked me if I’d like to take the next step and move in with him. I’m a little bit baffled because we don’t seem to be in a relationship yet never mind taking the next step. There’s a lot of things we need to discuss because it seems we’re seeing things differently. 

Things haven’t been too bad, but I do wish life was a bit simpler. 

Catch up

Things have been surprisingly hectic as of late. A few things have happened since my last post.

Both my jobs have been fairly unstable when it comes to management. At my office job my manager has been away for two weeks from illness and a guy has now become assistant manager and seems to be pissing off the entire staff. My manager at my other job seems to have changed her bubbly attitude now her probation is over and is giving out documented discussions like candy as if it’s Halloween.

Right now I’m about to start packing to look after my sister’s flat tomorrow although I also need to keep my mobile phone by me at all times due to my mum’s health. Yesterday I spent my evening sitting in the waiting room at the casualty unit with my mum after she received an urgent phone call from her GP. She received her blood test results back and they’re concerned that it may be a blood clot in her leg which could spread to her parts of her body such as her heart. She’s currently in preparation for her scan sometime soon. I guess they weren’t worried enough to keep her in hospital. 

Last night I was in a terrible mood and it could be down to all these factors. I’m not sure if I’m in a relationship or not at this point, but I just wish I had someone to turn to. I don’t have stability in my life right now and it’s also made me wonder if I can look after myself if the worst happens. I know, I shouldn’t imagine losing both parents, but at the same time I feel I have to be realistic. Moreover, I want a partner to support me emotionally and I’m not sure if my ex is capable of that. 

I’m not as unhappy as I was yesterday or this morning, but I am feeling drained. I don’t want to have to worry.

Although it’s not been productive, I’ve been gaming a lot on my new laptop. I’ve been playing Borderlands 2 to be specific. I’ve never really enjoyed first person shooters but I guess I love the randomness of the dialogue and the comic book style. It’s very similar to the Walking Dead by Telltales. 

I currently have no software on my laptop but I think that’s something I’ll have to sort out after looking after my sister’s flat. Setting up this laptop has taken longer than expected. Downloading games is the easy part thanks to Steam. 

I’m going to start packing now and drop off a few bits at my sister’s before tomorrow. Just to make my life a bit easier.

Returning after a break

I can’t believe how long I’ve left my blog for, and for that I do apologise.

I’ve mostly been away from my laptop and blogging on a touchscreen is less than ideal.

Life hasn’t been that bad lately. I think I’m on my fourth week of taking antidepressants but I haven’t felt any side effects so far which is a plus.

I ended up taking a pregnancy test three weeks ago and it was negative. I going to recently take another test when visiting my GP but she said that antibiotics don’t conflict with contraceptive implants. It seems I have been worrying for nothing. I’ll still take another test just in case.

I’m still always fairly exhausted but tomorrow I’ll be having a blood test and hopefully it will reveal something.

So far, things with my ex has been going well. I’ve stayed with him for almost two weeks albeit doing my own thing while he games. He has been attentive and affectionate which I can’t fault him for. Regardless, I don’t want my life to be fixated on him. I still plan to share my time with my friends.

After much research and contemplation for the past month, I decided to invest in a new laptop, a customised one to be specific. I’ve done it on finance and the total cost comes to just under £1,500. It’s a lot, I know, but it is a good investment for myself.

I was thinking, what project should I start as soon as I get my laptop? But today I’ve been thinking to myself, what would I like to do? When scrolling through Facebook and seeing photos of my college art teacher’s life, it reminds me of how free I felt in college and my paintings always expressed that. Now I feel trapped and restraint in this adult world. I’ve become so fixated on creating something for the purpose of getting a job rather than doing it simply because I enjoy it. For once, I’d like to stop planning everything and create simply because. Where I am career wise is far from ideal, but I can’t be overly stressed by it.

My focus lately has mainly been trying to improve my mental health. For the past few weeks, I have been happier despite a few dips now and then.

I have a few things to look forward to such as the delivery of the laptop I mentioned, looking after my sister’s house for the next two weeks and hopefully having people come over, and Hyper Japan that is happening in London with some Sushi tasting. I can’t complain right now, my life isn’t all bad right now.

Today was a struggle

I know I haven’t posted much as of late. I guess it is out of laziness. I’ve been feeling quite off lately and it’s difficult to describe. I’ve not noticed time passing. Each day has merged into the next. I feel bad that I didn’t say Happy Birthday to people on Facebook but by the time I remember the day has passed and it’s too late. There’s been nothing to look forward to.

I know you’re wondering, what happened to the positivity of the last post? That has faded. I’ve yet to hear from any jobs back and whatever is happening with my ex has dwindled. The affection is gone, like I knew would happen eventually.

I did actually go to see another GP about my mental health and although she most likely prescribed me the same antidepressants, she at least explained why I should take them and what would happen afterwards. To even get specialised help, I need to take these. If they don’t work, she’ll adjust it accordingly. She said she could see from my face that I’m depressed, although at the time I was quite happy. It felt like a step forward. It was a shame I also took a step back.

I didn’t want to put this on my blog because it’s quite personal, but I need to let my anxiety out. I realised my contraceptive implant may have been canceled out by the antiobiotics I was taking for an infection from shaving. I’m potentially pregnant. I may not be, but there’s a chance. I’ve been panicking since this has come to my attention. I feel stupid and irritated with myself because I know that antibiotics affect contraception, but I assumed it only affected the pill. I also didn’t think since I was taking antibiotics for such a silly thing.

I told my ex everything but his response was simply “Okay,” Later on I asked him if he would support me if I was pregnant and I was taken back by his response. He answered that it was sounding premeditated. Anyone that knows me in person knows how much I despise children. I’m not a nasty person and I probably wouldn’t openly display my feelings towards them, but this has come up a couple of times. Early on in our relationship my ex almost broke up with me because of our conflicting views on children. Needless to say I was offended and in shock. Apparently it was because I knew antibiotics affects contraception (this is fair), because I was so eager to show him our characters had a baby in a game (it’s a fucking game!), and because I chose to have sex with him on my birthday when previously I had denied him. Okay, I also understand the latter, but it was simply that I felt on my birthday I just wanted to let go with my desires. Yes, it was my birthday but I didn’t think to myself, Ï’ll have a baby as a present!”

In the end he apologised and said it all seemed too much. I tried to let it go, but it has been eating away at me. I was with this person for five years and should know me better than any one, and yet I was still accused of trapping him with a baby. I felt like he had little respect for me and insulted my intelligence. I brought it up again with him today. I told him how terrified I feel and that he doesn’t seem to be supportive but he shrugged and said he doesn’t know what he’s meant to say to make me feel better. I brought up his accusation also and he responded with, “I was just stating the obvious.” To me and most people who know me, having a baby isn’t a possibility. Not any time soon.

The conversation died when he was more focused on the tv. I ended up walking out of the room and cry. I felt disappointed that I had such high expectations for this person. That I expected him to support me in this matter. I don’t know why I expected anything, I know he’s incapable of offering emotional support, but I thought with something this big, he would be there for me. On the other hand, he wasn’t there for me when my dad died, so I don’t know why l I thought this would be any different.

I’m probably not pregnant, but I’m scared. I’m shit scared. I’m scared to even have an abortion. I never wanted to let that become a possibility. I feel anger at myself for being stupid and not cautious enough, but also that I put myself in such a position. Today I realised, no matter what, I’ll have to go through this alone. It worries me. This is someone I wanted to be with, but his instant reaction was to blame me. This was someone I considered having children with in the future, if I did change my mind about children of course. I’m frightened from the reaction because I feel that if I was pregnant and did decide to keep it, he would leave me to do it alone. I wouldn’t receive any support because it’s my fault and he doesn’t have to take responsibility if he didn’t have to. I never questioned his morals, I always knew he would do the right thing and now I question that. I’m lost.

At this moment, I’m struggling. The worst thing is, I can’t take anti depressants in case I may be pregnant. I can’t offer relief to myself. While I was crying in the bedroom I kept hitting myself in the head and slapping my cheek in frustration. I just kept telling myself, “Why can’t I just stop crying?! Just get on with it!” But, my tears wouldn’t stop. Eventually I forced myself to stop crying.

I’m just stressed right now. I’m unhappy with my job, I’m physically drained, I feel mentally unstable and I don’t have the support I expected. I’ve never felt so alone at this moment. I hope no one I know will be reading this.

It was my birthday on Saturday

This is why I haven’t been posting lately and I have been away from my laptop. I spent the beginning of my birthday with my best friend just walking around and having a late breakfast. He was persuaded (or rather guilt tripped) by my colleagues into coming to dinner in the evening. I went to an Italian restaurant and afterwards ended up at the pub yet again as that seems to be home for my colleagues. It’s where we always return to at the end of the week. I received my first two birthday cards from my colleagues, one was appropriately of the queen parachuting across London. I was given a Pikachu necklace and a £15 e-Shop card as they know how much of a Nintendo fanatic I am.

My assistant manager said he’d buy me a drink of my choice and I picked a Strawberry Daquiri. I quickly regretted my decision when he came back with a pitcher full. I didn’t get drunk but it did make me awfully tired and affected my bladder since I kept being told to down it. 

At 11pm I tried to make my way back when I saw hundreds of people sitting on the tram tracks and blocking buses from running. In the end I had to walk to another bus station and stayed over at my ex’s for another night.

Sunday was spent with a few of my college friends (some who happen to be my ex’s flat mates), one university friend and a few Smash players I have met at tournaments I attended. We went to an all-you-can-eat Dim Sum restaurant. In hindsight, I wish I did eat more. I prefer to get my money’s worth. My favourite has to be the pork puffs which were char sui inside a sweet pastry.Image

 

I was told earlier that my friend had planned to make me a birthday cake and even bought the ingredients. She planned to have my Tomodachi character added on top of the cake. However, she came back home to my ex already making me two birthday cakes. I brought one of them to the restaurant.

 

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It was a really thoughtful gesture considering I was worried he didn’t remember my birthday as usually I reminded him myself. I know he has no obligation to do so any more. 

I’ve been staying over at his and the other’s place relaxing. Admittedly, I became quite comfortable. There’s endearments and affections I’ve missed and right now I’m holding onto that. I know, I still need to be cautious, but I just want to hold onto this moment of bliss, even if it is temporary. 

Many things have happened this week and one thing I have been trying to stick to is my anxiety workbook. There was one section in particular where constantly seeking advice is another reaction of anxiety. It confirms my suspicion that I need to talk to people less. It’s not just for the sake of my ex, but also for my own sanity. I could be making a horrible mistake, but it’s a decision I have to make and learn from. If I kept on following other people’s advice against my own decisions, I’d always wonder “What if?” I’ve not been doing it for myself, I’ve been doing things because of other people. I have no doubt their advice is right and it is the logical thing to do, but I need to learn what is right for me. I need to have more confidence in my own choices. 

I have also been applying for animation jobs again which is a big deal for me. I’ve always been too frightened to apply but instead, I’m forcing myself to do so even if I feel I will be rejected. I want to work towards happiness even if it may not be something I reach any time soon. I also know, my ex alone can not be my happiness. I plan to go to the gym this week, hopefully tomorrow. 

Currently, I’m feeling positive despite the fact I’m fed up of where I am career wise. I’ve also had very little energy due to being fairly ill and a poor diet. I hope I can change things around.