I’ve been dreading this day. However, I can’t say my celebrations for Valentine’s day have been worthwhile even during the relationship. Some were thoughtful and sweet, others were thoughtless. My ex invited his friend to join us on our first Valentines Day and thought there was nothing wrong with that. I should have seen the signs since then. It’s not that I’m not spending it with him, no. It’s the fact that this holiday will be rubbed in my face about how single I am. This is a holiday that makes you feel worthless if you don’t have a partner or if your partner chooses not to celebrate it. I’ve personally experienced both, so far I’ve not been too lucky. My ex always said that you shouldn’t dedicate a particular day to show your partner how much you care, which is true, but he wasn’t a person to show his feelings at all.
This post isn’t to berate my ex, it’s just the past couple of days I’ve been thinking about the relationship. My friend had told me that he had asked how I was and their response was simply that “I’m trying.” They didn’t get to say much more. I just keep wondering, why did he even ask? This, all of this was his choice. You’ll probably think it’s obvious and say, ‘Well, he misses you, that’s why’ but why? This didn’t have to happen, not like this. It didn’t have to end in such an uncivil way that I had to feel this anger and resentment. Yes, I’d be upset, but if maybe we were able to talk through this decision together, I wouldn’t be feeling such negativity. Nevertheless, the way it ended lacked any dignity or respect. There was no closure and for the past couple of weeks I’ve tried to come to terms with a lot of things.
Currently, the question on my mind is, why didn’t this work? Why couldn’t it work? I’m not denying that it was never going to work, I knew it would end eventually. But I still don’t understand why couldn’t it? Why were you the way you were with me through out the relationship? Did I create this all in my mind? Did I do something wrong? What did I do wrong? Was it your fault? Where did it all go wrong? But the thing is, was it ever right? Okay, maybe that wasn’t just one question but it seems to branch off onto one question, then another, and another. I told my friend that I was okay knowing that my ex asked about me, but I guess I’m not. Not in the sense that I have hope we’ll try again, but why do you miss me now when you’ve lost me? He’s never taken much interest in me during our relationship. Even if we spent time together, we were often mentally separate. We rarely did anything together. It’s for this reason that I’m probably coping with this break up reasonably well considering this is my first experience. What I mean to say is, every time I try to think of him well and his well being, I also remember the things he’s done to me. A lot of unforgivable things. Emotionally, I’m very conflicted but not enough to have hope this time around.
I’m potentially the best I’ve been for a while but at the same time there’s a sweep of a quiet sadness that overcomes me. I can’t remember the last time I’ve even shed a tear but quite often I do just sit with a blank expression just thinking. There’s no reason to think any more, but I do. I still do. Sometimes, I can’t bear to be around people and I enjoy loneliness. I just want to be isolated. I’m finding people constantly contacting me irritating and I don’t believe always being surrounded helps. On the other hand, maybe I’ve just been overwhelmed. Tomorrow (or now today) I’ve decided to turn off Facebook to avoid the influx of loved up statuses and photos, for my own benefit. You’ll probably think I’m being a Scrooge but I’m just not ready to face it. This will be the first time in five years I’ve been single on Valentines day and it’s something I need to adjust to. Instead of staring jealously at Facebook, I’m going to try and focus on my art, fixing up my CV and just generally relaxing. I don’t need to risk seeing something upset me. I’m even tempted to use the Blocking mode on my phone just to completely avoid communication for once. The one social network I’ll use is Skype simply because I don’t use it nor do I have many contacts either which is perfect. I just want a peace of mind.
I know this has been a very whiny post, but I’ve chosen not to really talk to people about this too much. At the same time, I feel I need a release and I’m somewhat doing that here. You can choose to ignore this if you please.