I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to post

I know I left my previous post on such a low. I am a lot better now. It’s not that my life has drastically changed since, but my GP (reluctantly) signed me off from work for a week. During that time off I mostly stayed indoors, played Danganronpa and then proceeded to play the sequel (which I have yet to even get half way yet) and that is all.

I said goodbye to my friend who has returned to China by meeting in London and eating Korean food for the first time. I had to google it just now to remember the dish I actually ate and it’s called Bibimbap. It involved rice, a runny egg, chilli paste, mushroom and other vegetables and I had to mix it thoroughly before eating. It was quite lovely as we also had a seafood omelette. This was a tiny Korean restaurant where we shared a table with strangers.

I did also go bowling with my retail colleagues although I didn’t actually bowl. This was while I was drained and my eyes were sore from crying. I’ve since managed to reconcile with all my friends. My mum had told me not to hold grudges as people will always do this. She said if I keep taking things too personally I will end up with no friends, so I decided to just let go.

On the other hand, I’ve decided not to pursue things any further with my ex. Despite telling him I’ve been signed off from work due to stress he kept persisting I send him nude photos and consistently sending me videos and photos of himself in hope of returning some. When I messaged him to make sure he does want more than sex his response was, “Not this again.” When I stated he still didn’t answer my question he messaged back, “Ok random mood swing change mind person. I’m not wasting time doing this conversation.” We’ve barely spoken apart from me prompting for him to return my old laptop back. This isn’t out of spite, my brother has taken my mum’s laptop and she’s been fumbling with a tablet to do everything. Due to taking time off and not receiving sick pay, I can’t afford to travel to London just to collect my laptop.

The reason why I’ve found enough is enough is due to the fact that his retaliation was to punish me with silent treatment even though the question was a simple yes or no answer. It doesn’t give me much faith, particularly as the only time he seems to respond immediately is if the conversation is of a sexual nature. In all honesty, it gets too repetitive and stale as there’s not even any flirting involved. What was a turning point for me was realising he wouldn’t speak to me, I discovered that I didn’t care. I didn’t care if he would stop speaking to me. Usually this was a way for him to control me as I grovel and beg for him to speak to me, but this is no longer the case.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t have feelings. My ex has been in my dreams every night so far much to my dread. However, I think I’m finally reaching a point where I don’t feel as if I’m in love with him. I don’t yearn for him, I don’t particularly care if he’s in my life. Being back in contact with him has made me feel lonely and believe me, I can be lonely all by myself. He doesn’t add anything to my life apart from a dread that he can snap at me with his temper at times. He’s not a bad person, but his behaviour towards me leaves me much to be desired. Since I’m the closest to him, it seems I receive the brunt of the abuse. I also realised that he uses my mental health to his advantage and that’s something I still haven’t forgiven him. The last time we argued he attempted to render me paranoid about my friends to give him an upper hand. It didn’t work in the first place, but after confronting my friends, I realised he was lying. Not even twisting the truth, just outright lies.

Regardless, I need to focus on myself. I have been applying for jobs on the whim during the weekend and so far I’ve received two rejections. I’m not quite sure what I’d like to do with my life still. I am at a stand still but leaving my office job seems to be a priority at this moment.

I am blessed that I have decent co workers in both my jobs and it makes things bearable. I can laugh in dire situations and that’s a powerful thing.

I want to attempt to make positive habits, particularly when it comes to my mental health. I would like to return to doing meditation, following my self help books and keeping a daily journal.  I may do another entry of apps and books I feel have been beneficial. I also need to return to exercising as my physical health has been extremely poor.

I’m not in bliss, but I’ve at least managed to pick myself up from the turmoil I felt in my previous entry.

Low mood

The past week has been possibly the worst I’ve gone through in the terms of emotional support.

I’ve come to realise the people in my life fail to be supportive when I need them the most. It would be simpler if at the time they couldn’t be there, but instead I’m on the receiving end of people’s frustrations. Despite the fact I may be correcting assumptions or even trying to be neutral in a situation, in the end I seem to get a cold response.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I hate my jobs and I don’t have supportive people in my life. Honestly, I’m surprised I haven’t resorted back to self harming or tried to kill myself. At least when I’ve had break downs previously, I had some people and I did also receive counselling at the time. This time, I have nothing. 

I work six days a week at a job that makes me anxious before I even step foot into the building and there’s always drama at my other job that I seem to get involved in despite aiming to be neutral. I have an (ex) partner who can’t be bothered to meet up with me when I’m struggling emotionally. Despite trying to correct his assumption that I’d want him to travel to me to spend time together, his reaction is to get back to work and ignore me.

I hate feeling like a victim and being the type to think, “Nobody cares about me” but the people closest to me have failed to not add extra stress to my life. I don’t feel I’m important to anyone and I think I have good reason for feeling this way. I am absolutely amazed that people have actually let me down when they’re needed the most. Instead I get a blunt response and that’s that.

I don’t have hope at this moment. I’m ashamed that I can’t just get on and deal with the shit I’m going through. Most people have to. I don’t particularly want to be alive, but I have no energy to even be suicidal. I just feel numb. 

More impulse buying

I now own my very first iPad. I’ve not had an Apple device for four years. Why I needed one now, god knows. I stopped bringing my Galaxy Note tablet with me as much everyday. I only keep my Filofax for work. I found when lying in bed instead of reaching for my tablet, I’d go for my phone instead. I found the size was a bit inconvenient when I wanted to read articles in bed. So, I downsized and decided I wanted something different and got the iPad mini with retina display.

I still wouldn’t turn to Apple for mobile phones, I love the customisation Android offers. Even now, I’ve realised there’s simple things that Android gets right to make the experience easier. Learning how to use the iOS is taking some getting use to, but it seems fine. I do give credit to Apple for the clean and sleek interface. On the other hand, I’ve not experienced the “it just works” from iOS. I tried to read the Kotaku website on the iPad mini and each time it force quit the browser. I found that amusing.

I’ve not experienced the amazing app store since I discovered that it’s filled with a lot of rubbish just as much as Android. There are a few gems, but I’ll have to filter it out with some research. These things I mention don’t bother me so much, but what I do miss is my pressure sensitive stylus. 

You see, I’ve been doing some concept art for a friend’s music video and I’ve had to keep returning to my trusty Galaxy Note tablet since I still don’t have Photoshop installed. I need to find a way around this with the iPad as it could be a deal breaker for me. 

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It’s already fairly dirty. I need to get a cloth to keep wiping.

 

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I bought this case for the iPad mini, but I actually dislike the colour of this cover. I’m not sure what about it I dislike as I love lilac usually. I may purchase another case once I get paid as this was only £5 or £6. In the mean time, it does it’s job. My iPod touch is actually the reason why I immediately buy covers for devices. The first day I was given my iPod touch, I tripped over the cable connected between my laptop and iPod touch and it scraped against the floor.

Talking about technology doesn’t seem like it’s related to my previous post, but I have a bad habit of buying new things when I’m unhappy. I had planned to buy this anyway when I thought I’d potentially get the job, and I ended up buying it anyway because I was so disappointed. Gadgets seem to distract me temporarily. A very bad habit.

Lonely Sunday

This week has been an influx of nonsensical emotions. I know I’m being unreasonable, but today I’ve began feeling particularly lonely. This week’s discovery has been to no longer put other people before myself. This does not mean I will be selfish, I still like to help others, but not at the cost of myself or my own happiness. Having others use you is unavoidable it seems, and you have to expect it. My mum has always told me I take things to heart and maybe that’s true. I always feel as if I’m being knocked down.

At this moment, I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel I can reach my ambition, I don’t feel I’ll experience true love, and I don’t feel I have friends I can always rely on. I’m not suggesting my friends are terrible, but I don’t have a friend at times when I need someone the most. Or even a partner for that matter. My ex has told me that I always feel that no one loves me, no one cares when that’s not true. I guess he’s right, and I hate believing he’s right in anything. I can’t keep thinking I’m a victim. Even if I have been a victim of people’s behaviour, there’s no reason to let it affect my life. 

I’m not sure why I get like this at times. I know that being this way just puts me at a halt and is incredibly unproductive. I keep going through phases of paranoia despite the fact I know it’s silly and questioning my relationships with people does no good. I know, this feeling is only temporary, but I just hate being this unhappy. 

Lonely Sunday

This week has been an influx of nonsensical emotions. I know I’m being unreasonable, but today I’ve began feeling particularly lonely. This week’s discovery has been to no longer put other people before myself. This does not mean I will be selfish, I still like to help others, but not at the cost of myself or my own happiness. Having others use you is unavoidable it seems, and you have to expect it. My mum has always told me I take things to heart and maybe that’s true. I always feel as if I’m being knocked down.

At this moment, I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel I can reach my ambition, I don’t feel I’ll experience true love, and I don’t feel I have friends I can always rely on. I’m not suggesting my friends are terrible, but I don’t have a friend at times when I need someone the most. Or even a partner for that matter. My ex has told me that I always feel that no one loves me, no one cares when that’s not true. I guess he’s right, and I hate believing he’s right in anything. I can’t keep thinking I’m a victim. Even if I have been a victim of people’s behaviour, there’s no reason to let it affect my life. 

I’m not sure why I get like this at times. I know that being this way just puts me at a halt and is incredibly unproductive. I keep going through phases of paranoia despite the fact I know it’s silly and questioning my relationships with people does no good. I know, this feeling is only temporary, but I just hate being this unhappy. 

No Luck Yet

Unfortunately, I didn’t get the job. I am disappointed because I’m so desperate to leave retail and sales. I’m finding it too stressful to continue doing six days a week. 

I told my ex and his only response was, “Unfortunate.” I can’t help but feel irritated because he was partially the reason why I was aiming to get a better job. I want to help my mum and I wanted to help him find somewhere to live by moving in with him to split the rent. I know, this isn’t the most sensible idea but I was worried about his well being. As annoyed I may get, I still don’t wish for him to be homeless. However, his attitude isn’t enticing me to live with him. I didn’t expect a great deal of support, but I expected a bit more of feedback such as, “Next time!” or “Don’t worry. Something better will come along!” No. It’s one word and that was his latest response since Saturday. 

I know I’m ranting, I do feel a bit unhappy. I wish I could just spend money without any worries and treat myself. I’ve come to reality that I need to help support my mum and working two jobs doesn’t even amount to one full time job. I wish I had someone to help me. I’ve only left university recently and already I have responsibilities. For now, my dream of moving into my own place has to be put on hold. 

I feel I think of other people so much and yet nothing good happens for me. I’m always struggling. 

Fingers Crossed!

I went for an internal vacancy last week as Assistant IT Support. Anything to get out of a sales job. I had my interview on Friday and I feel it went reasonably well. The person interviewing me seemed to very much like me as a person and he did say it will be between me and one other person so there’s a 50/50 chance. I’ll be finding out today and I’m nervous. I feel quite confident, but then I deflate it myself so I don’t feel so disappointed if I don’t get the job. I know who the person is that he’s considering and in all honesty, I wouldn’t mind if he gets it either. He’s very quiet, works hard and I think he seems pleasant. It’s just, I would like to get the job also. 

Financially, I’ve been coping fairly well, but then my mum has admitted that she’s struggling to pay for the bills and is relying on her disability allowance. Unfortunately as she turned 60, the government pushed her pension to 65. I do fear that when she DOES turn 65, they’ll push her pension to 70 and she’ll never reach it. Right now my mum’s ankles has swollen and she can’t move too much. At least with the extra income, she wouldn’t have to worry. I do however, wish she had told me sooner. I would have spent less money during the month as I’ve figured I’d treat myself.

This job isn’t my dream job but, I would like to learn new skills. The reason why I feel so frustrated at this moment is because there’s no challenges or variety. 

I told my ex that I had an interview coming. I haven’t heard from him since we saw Inbetweeners 2 on Thursday. I dropped in conversation, “My interview went well by the way” but no response. I wish he was a little bit more interested or at least wished me luck. Last time I saw him, he was fairly pleasant as he hugged me often and kissed my cheek. I just, wish he was supportive of this as I’m in need of a full time job.

My colleagues have been very supportive, trying to calm me down and wishing me luck. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get this, but it would make life easier.

A Week of no rest

I managed to finally book some time off for myself at both my jobs. I’ve become increasingly fed up of the management and the drama involved. In one job the manager has become an enemy to all staff, in the other the assistant manager is becoming power mad and enforcing ridiculous rules. I needed the break. However, I barely managed to use my week off to relax.

I came with my friend to go to the clinic twice for some tests. Once on Tuesday and then on Friday we met at 8am in the morning to head our away. On Thursday I went to look at a flat for my ex since he has had to suddenly move out and he has two weeks to move out of his dad’s. 

I’ve spent my time generally doing things for other people instead of relaxing. In addition, I have been having terrible trouble sleeping. I keep tossing and turning. I’m not sure if this is down to anxiety. I’ve been found to be severely low in Vitamin D and it has been three weeks since I started taking the capsules, but I’ve still felt physically exhausted. 

Yesterday I was at a Smash tournament and did some photography. I saw my ex for the first time in three weeks due to his hectic circumstances. He was generally pleasant although it has been dulled by the argument we had through instant messaging while I was looking after my sister’s flat. I can’t help but be cautious. I know I can’t keep it against him forever, but it did make me feel I need to be careful. I wasn’t particularly hurt like I usually feel, but it was still a halt to our progression. On the other hand he has asked me if I’d like to take the next step and move in with him. I’m a little bit baffled because we don’t seem to be in a relationship yet never mind taking the next step. There’s a lot of things we need to discuss because it seems we’re seeing things differently. 

Things haven’t been too bad, but I do wish life was a bit simpler. 

Catch up

Things have been surprisingly hectic as of late. A few things have happened since my last post.

Both my jobs have been fairly unstable when it comes to management. At my office job my manager has been away for two weeks from illness and a guy has now become assistant manager and seems to be pissing off the entire staff. My manager at my other job seems to have changed her bubbly attitude now her probation is over and is giving out documented discussions like candy as if it’s Halloween.

Right now I’m about to start packing to look after my sister’s flat tomorrow although I also need to keep my mobile phone by me at all times due to my mum’s health. Yesterday I spent my evening sitting in the waiting room at the casualty unit with my mum after she received an urgent phone call from her GP. She received her blood test results back and they’re concerned that it may be a blood clot in her leg which could spread to her parts of her body such as her heart. She’s currently in preparation for her scan sometime soon. I guess they weren’t worried enough to keep her in hospital. 

Last night I was in a terrible mood and it could be down to all these factors. I’m not sure if I’m in a relationship or not at this point, but I just wish I had someone to turn to. I don’t have stability in my life right now and it’s also made me wonder if I can look after myself if the worst happens. I know, I shouldn’t imagine losing both parents, but at the same time I feel I have to be realistic. Moreover, I want a partner to support me emotionally and I’m not sure if my ex is capable of that. 

I’m not as unhappy as I was yesterday or this morning, but I am feeling drained. I don’t want to have to worry.

Although it’s not been productive, I’ve been gaming a lot on my new laptop. I’ve been playing Borderlands 2 to be specific. I’ve never really enjoyed first person shooters but I guess I love the randomness of the dialogue and the comic book style. It’s very similar to the Walking Dead by Telltales. 

I currently have no software on my laptop but I think that’s something I’ll have to sort out after looking after my sister’s flat. Setting up this laptop has taken longer than expected. Downloading games is the easy part thanks to Steam. 

I’m going to start packing now and drop off a few bits at my sister’s before tomorrow. Just to make my life a bit easier.

Returning after a break

I can’t believe how long I’ve left my blog for, and for that I do apologise.

I’ve mostly been away from my laptop and blogging on a touchscreen is less than ideal.

Life hasn’t been that bad lately. I think I’m on my fourth week of taking antidepressants but I haven’t felt any side effects so far which is a plus.

I ended up taking a pregnancy test three weeks ago and it was negative. I going to recently take another test when visiting my GP but she said that antibiotics don’t conflict with contraceptive implants. It seems I have been worrying for nothing. I’ll still take another test just in case.

I’m still always fairly exhausted but tomorrow I’ll be having a blood test and hopefully it will reveal something.

So far, things with my ex has been going well. I’ve stayed with him for almost two weeks albeit doing my own thing while he games. He has been attentive and affectionate which I can’t fault him for. Regardless, I don’t want my life to be fixated on him. I still plan to share my time with my friends.

After much research and contemplation for the past month, I decided to invest in a new laptop, a customised one to be specific. I’ve done it on finance and the total cost comes to just under £1,500. It’s a lot, I know, but it is a good investment for myself.

I was thinking, what project should I start as soon as I get my laptop? But today I’ve been thinking to myself, what would I like to do? When scrolling through Facebook and seeing photos of my college art teacher’s life, it reminds me of how free I felt in college and my paintings always expressed that. Now I feel trapped and restraint in this adult world. I’ve become so fixated on creating something for the purpose of getting a job rather than doing it simply because I enjoy it. For once, I’d like to stop planning everything and create simply because. Where I am career wise is far from ideal, but I can’t be overly stressed by it.

My focus lately has mainly been trying to improve my mental health. For the past few weeks, I have been happier despite a few dips now and then.

I have a few things to look forward to such as the delivery of the laptop I mentioned, looking after my sister’s house for the next two weeks and hopefully having people come over, and Hyper Japan that is happening in London with some Sushi tasting. I can’t complain right now, my life isn’t all bad right now.