Round Two of Ex

So I attended another tournament and again was involved with the sign ups. I didn’t expect to see my ex as soon as I arrived which did take me back a little. I had an awkward moment where I had to wait for my friend to let me in so I could help him with setting up. I honestly didn’t know how I would react towards the ex this time as my emotions have been erratic. Surprisingly for possibly the both of us I was quite civil. We didn’t speak personally, but we often participated in the same conversations with people. I’d say he mostly intercepted my conversations with friends than I did, and even grabbed a chair to move closer to us. At one point I was trying out the lightning bolt challenge on the PS Vita version of Final Fantasy X (which I think is harder than Flappy Birds by the way!) and my ex hovered behind me and told me to time it to the flashing of the screen. It’s little interactions that were made. I thought the day was successful until the next day I realised my feelings had reappeared again. It wasn’t so much from seeing him, but just being in an environment and speaking to him. I realised how much I missed him. Even the weather right now makes me think of the picnics we use to go on before and during our relationship. We’d have a  blanket spread out with cushions while sharing a baguette in the sun. I miss his presence and resting my head on his chest. What I don’t miss are the other times where things have been terrible. It’s for this reason that my heart and my head are conflicting.

The logical solution is to do nothing. To continue on with my life as I am now and focusing on myself. However, my heart is still clinging onto false hope. False hope I have created for myself. I’ve been told he still had feelings for me, but at the same time it seems to be clear he doesn’t want me. I’ve been told by the same person he’s happy by himself, so why have I started to have hope again? Why am I hurting myself again? For the past couple of days I honestly thought if I could do something, or if things played out a bit longer maybe we’d reconcile. That maybe, this time apart would mean a brand new relationship where the past could disappear. But, I’m just being silly of course, to clutch onto such hope. I know he doesn’t want me and he’s not particularly fussed that I’m not a part of his life any more, so why am I being like this? I’m so mad at myself for being stupid. I didn’t want my feelings to flare up, and I let my guard down if only for a moment. My friend invited me to a picnic on Sunday, but she’s also invited my ex. She’s also invited someone who would be quite smug about our break up which I dread. I’d like to enjoy the sunny weather while it lasts in England although my emotions are all over the place.

Why am I wanting to chase after someone who would never do the same for me? I’m not in denial about how dreadful the relationship was at times, nor have I forgotten what he did to me, but why do I love him anyway? I’m getting my hopes up when there were no signs. This is why, we can’t be friends. I’m stupid, stupid, stupid. 

Another Thai insurance ad to reflect on life

Many times I’ve wondered why I should aim to be a good person. I’ve been mistreated, used and afterwards disposed of. No matter how hard I try to be a good person, it’s hard to accept that most of the time that kindness is rarely returned. However, as this video explains, if you show relentless kindness without expectations of anything in return, your life will become enriched mentally and emotionally. I enjoy bringing a smile to people and it does make you feel something inside. At the same time, by focusing on others I am unhappy myself. Maybe it is mostly down to the fact I have a lot to work on to be at a stage where I’m happy with myself and where I am.

Potentially preparing to see the ex again

Not by choice or with anticipation, no. It’s one of those times again where it’s an event that we both probably would like to attend. This time I’ve been obsessing a bit less. I’ve not been as excited this time, but I’m more excited that I’ve managed to take the day off. I’ve felt exhausted lately.

I had hoped by this point I’d be more reasonable with my emotions and that possibly, I could be civil. No chance. I don’t think I’m ready to speak to him still. I’m still too angry and hurt. I don’t want to be mind you, I am fed up of him invading my thoughts. I can be feeling optimistic and at a snap of a finger my mood will completely change when he pops up in my mind. I think, I could have progressed slightly further if we didn’t argue last time we spoke as it left a bitter taste. There’s a reason why I asked him to leave me alone, and after both requests, he evidently didn’t and each time I’m left a mess. He ruins me, but he always did that. He knew how to. He’s told me at times that I’ve reduced him to tears although I’ve never seen this happen myself. In contrast, I’ve always been in tears. I wear my heart on my sleeves, while he’s always been so locked away. I just wonder to myself, why does it have to always be so terrible? I didn’t want to speak to him because I knew it would end with vicious arguments. We’re not together any more, so why is this still happening? Why can’t I find some peace?

A part of me is trying to start becoming the person I want to be, although the health side of things still haven’t been kicked into gear just yet. A new me. Not just a new me, but trying to reflect the kind of person I think I am. I also need to stop being lazy and start taking care of myself. People will say, guys will like you the way you are, but I don’t think being as low maintenance as I am is helping. I’m not dreadful, but I’m not someone you would turn you head for. I’ve been the type to blend into the background. I don’t want to be centre of attention and at times I like the fact that my gender isn’t factored into things. However, it would nice to be noticed a little bit. I know, I’m also doing this because of my ex which isn’t a good reason. As I’ve said before, I want him to see what he’s missing, but also to show I can live and progress without him because I know he never thought I could amount to much. That’s the impression I always got.

What’s frustrating is that I no longer want to feel this way. I want to move on and genuinely be happy. With or without him. I’d like to fall in love again, with him or someone else and have a happy relationship. I’d like to just be content but it seems I have some time before that will become reality.

Every time I think I’m recovering…

…I’m not. Every single time. Every time I feel I’m progressing in life, when I think I’m making improvements, and that I’m starting to slowly think of him less, something pops up and my heart sinks. I saw another photo of him, something that couldn’t be avoided despite the preparations I’ve made. I already am in bad health lately but my chest felt even heavier and felt the familiar pangs of pain. I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break again after all these months. There was nothing significant about the photo, just the fact that he was happy without me. 

At this moment in time it feels like doing the right thing doesn’t mean anything. I’m still extremely unhappy. I still feel lonely beyond belief. It feels like my choice to contact him or not hasn’t made a difference. I’m still suffering. I don’t think I can do this any more. I can’t keep feeling like this. I’ve tried so hard to not let my spirits drop so low, but at times I do wonder if the only way is to kill myself. I’ve been actively trying to avoid going down this path or to even let myself get so low that I start even thinking this way. I’ve been trying to keep my mental state reasonable and that’s why it makes this whole experience even more of an internal battle. Nothing is helping. I can’t keep up this façade of being optimistic when my entire being is hurting. I don’t know how to handle this intensity of pain that I’ve never felt before. I just feel frustrated that I’m trying to do the right actions and trying to rethink my life, but the pain is too overwhelming. I’m tired of my emotions being all over the place. I’m just tired.

Playing Persona 4 Golden

So, Final Fantasy X HD was officially released in the UK two days ago…and I didn’t buy it. This was after all, the reason I bought a PS Vita, so why have I not got the game yet? Well, for one, I’m poor as I haven’t yet received my first pay check from my new job.  However, another reason is that I’ve been so busy playing Persona 4 Golden while I’ve had my PS Vita. Playing one RPG is time consuming enough, playing two at the same time is madness. Bearing in mind that the HD edition has both Final Fantasy X and X-2. Adding them all together would be roughly 160 hours worth of gameplay. I could have just not bought Persona and waited for Final Fantasy X instead, but I wanted to try something I’ve never played before. I had always heard of the Persona franchise and my first memory of seeing it was a trailer where the characters placed a gun to their head to release their inner creatures. Now I know that that was specifically Persona 3 which I’ll have to play in the future. Now the reviews have been unanimous with receiving scores rated at 90 or higher. I did wonder to myself how good can this game be compared to Final Fantasy, the godfather of the RPG franchise. Let me tell you, the game is good. In fact it’s fantastic. The only game I can somewhat draw comparisons with is Earthbound because of the modern settings and generally wacky approach. I still think Earthbound is pretty hard to beat when it comes to being random.

I have to say to when I was given control of how to spend my in game days, I did feel overwhelmed. What job should I take? What club should I join? Should I spend time with Yosuke or Yukiko? Should I go out during the evening or read a book? What stats should I focus on improving? Should I spend time on the garden? Wait, these events clash! Which one should I go to? I’ve questioned myself so much in the game and the choices I make. I need to learn to relax since I’m playing the game casually rather than trying to make the right decisions for the trophy achievements. This is a game where I prefer the sims aspect more than the actual dungeon crawling. I haven’t felt bored with the dialogue, and boy, is there a lot of dialogue. The thing is, it’s engrossing. Let’s not forget how amazingly catchy the music is. I mean check out the opening to the game. That alone should persuade you to try the game. For such a dark theme, it sure is colourful.

I’m over 20 hours in and I think I may be now 20% into the game. So, it seems I’ve only scratched the surface. We’ll see if I manage to complete this game but this alone made it worthwhile to get a PS Vita since I’ve now discovered a game series that seriously appeals to me. I wanted to praise this game, but also it has taken up a large chunk of my life currently when I’m not working. I could go into full detail about the game but there are many reviews but to sum it up, this game is about character interactions and that in itself helps the dungeon crawler side.  I recommend it for anyone who has a PS Vita or not.

Busy Routine

I’ve not been posting as regularly any more since I’ve managed to start having quite a busy routine. My week is made up of volunteering on Mondays, working at the videogame store on Thursdays and Fridays, and working at my new office job Monday to Friday in the evenings as well as the whole of Saturday. It’s been tiring, but mostly due to the fact that I’ve developed a persistent cold on the very first day of training. I’ve felt completely exhausted but I’ve managed to get some prescribed tablets and an inhaler since I’ve had slight trouble breathing with the coughing.

A part of me is proud of the fact that I’ve made myself so busy, although at the same time I know others do a lot more in their day in comparison. My routine may be normal to most people but it’s a contrast to when I only worked four hour shifts over two days a week and that was that. I know that partially I’m doing this for the wrong reasons. I feel like I have to prove myself because of the negative image my ex has portrayed of me and has effectively been ingrained in my mind. Through out the years he always pointed out that I’m a lazy person. At times, I can’t deny it. I hate exercising. I absolutely hate it. I also think it’s to do with the fact I’m quite reserved and can even be quite shy so I don’t feel open to trying new activities that are far outside of my comfort zone. A large factor after leaving university was also to do with money as my general wage would be between £200-300 per month which is not liveable. In my defence however, I did offer to do a lot of small tasks for my ex. I would offer to go shopping, or do certain things when he couldn’t be bothered to leave the house like check to see how much his phone would sell for, change currency for a trip, etc. I felt like because I didn’t get a lot of hours at work and the type of job I was doing (despite the fact he too works in retail) he thought less of me as a person. When I was tired, I had no right to be tired. When I had a bad day, I had no right to have a bad day. It seemed like everything was thrown back in my face without any empathy because he worked longer hours and has more responsibility in his job. It was to the point where he expected me to be financially reliant on him even when I didn’t ask him. He’d say such a thing as “I know you’re going to ask me money next month.” Bearing in mind that I use to lend him money before he had a job and even during university with my student loan. At that point I decided I’d rather be in debt than to ask him for financial help. It was a pride thing, but I was also tired of being made to feel that I’m not equal to him. My ex, wasn’t always negative. He did say he was proud of me that I managed to clear my overdraft (I am back in it again unfortunately) but it’s just I wished he would have been more supportive when I was struggling. That’s why even now, even though he doesn’t even know anything about my life, I feel I have to prove to him and to myself that I’m a worthy human being. Possibly, I want to show that I don’t need to rely on him any more. He wasn’t the rock that helped stabilised me, it seemed more like he was trying to sink me. I’d like to be able to say, look at me, look at what I could be. I would’ve done this with or without him. I just wish he would’ve accepted me for who I was and not who he wanted me to be.

I’ve been thinking a lot this week, particularly about my ex. Not in the way I usually would, but in the sense that I’m trying to find peace with myself. I’m tired of trying to hate him, but don’t get me wrong, I don’t forgive him. Not even close. I would like to start letting go though of all the anger I have. I kept saying to myself, “Why did this have to happen?” “Why did we break up?” “Why couldn’t it work?” These are some of the questions I asked myself and I said in a previous post. The thing is, I knew what the answer was, I just didn’t want to accept it. I knew we were never going to work, we both did. Essentially, we’re both two very different people with very different approaches to life. I’m more compassionate and understanding yet also too emotional, while he has more of a work ethic where he believes you should just get on with your life regardless of issues and it makes him too blunt and closed off. I always thought he was a stronger person, and maybe he is, but I’m trying to believe that it’s more that we’re different and I keep trying to tell myself that having these emotions doesn’t make me a lesser person. I can’t keep asking whose fault it was and questioning myself at the same time. I’m tired of us arguing every time we’re back in contact. There’s no point in explaining how he has made me feel when he doesn’t care about what I’m feeling. He doesn’t like dealing with emotions. I do wish he was still in my life, but that’s what happens when you’re in a long term relationship and it ends. We could never be friends like we use to. The trust is gone. Love ruined a lot of things.

I hope eventually I’ll become a stronger person and most of all I’d like to be with someone that appreciates the person I am. I just want to be able to be myself with someone.

Silence of love (it’ll break your heart)

I found this a few months ago. I saw that it was a commercial and everyone’s comments underneath it. I thought I’d watch it wondering, how emotional must it actually be? By the end of the video I was in tears, and I didn’t stop crying until an hour later. This hit home. This really hit home. My dad passed away almost 3 years ago (it’ll be 3 years ago in 3 days) and this reminded me of him. I felt ashamed because of the way he was. He was so awkward and acted completely foreign. I’m not going to pretend he was the most fantastic father, he wasn’t. However, my relationship with him did improve and he did support me in my studies and offer me what he could. It does make me wish I appreciated the kind things he did, despite his downfalls. It’s amazing how a commercial could reduce me to tears.

Today was the day I saw my ex for the first time in 2 months

As I’ve mentioned over time, I’ve felt trepidation towards potentially seeing him at this event. I questioned whether I should go and in the end I decided to. I was just as unhappy as I thought I would be. I despised seeing him and even worse, seeing him happy. Over the course of the day I began to calm down, although he didn’t make this encounter any easier since he tried to make awkward little interactions. At the end of the day he tried to get my attention to tell me he was leaving, I was too absorbed in my new PS Vita and I merely said goodbye out of surprise. I knew from his reaction I would receive a text and two hours later I did. Let’s just say it turned into a full blown argument. He knows how to anger me. I wonder to myself why I want to be with someone as arrogant as someone to tell me that I “better appreciate the next guy I date.” Apparently I’m playing the victim card and that he treated me like a queen. I’m not a perfect person, I don’t even react the right way, but I refuse to believe everything was always my fault in the relationship. He’s very good at making me question myself. However, I have put him before myself in every aspect to be told I always make the situation about myself. I loved him, and unfortunately I still do. More than I realised during the relationship. Being friends was never going to be an immediate option and I made this clear to him, yet he still pushed for it. He pushed for a friendship despite the fact that it ended on such bad terms. Acting in a friendly manner straight after the break up doesn’t make everything okay. 

I feel infuriated. I hate that I reduced myself to even contacting him as much as I did, but he baited me. I’m not sure what he’s achieving from this. Maybe a sick satisfaction of inflicting pain, even when the situation has ended. Maybe now he can sleep at night knowing he’s angered me. I almost got through the day reasonably. It was bumpy, but in his presence I managed to hold myself. It was just at the end of the day he reduced me down to his level. I’ve been struggling with the no contact, but him contacting me has been a big mistake. I can only hope one day I can find a genuine love where I don’t have to feel this way. I don’t want to have to worry about these kind of arguments. Due to these moments, I just want to be left alone.

A new Sony console on the way

I decided to treat myself as a “celebration” of getting this new job (okay that’s a lie) by ordering myself a PS Vita. I had always considered getting a PS3 after I sold my Xbox 360 since there’s quite a few games I’d like to play. I’m mostly interested in JRPG’s and Japanese developers seem to love Sony consoles. I was mostly leaning towards purchasing a PS3, but lately I’ve realised that since having two jobs I’m rarely at home and I work 6 days a week. Initially I had no interest in the PS Vita because I know in the shop I work in there’s a very limited amount of PS Vita games we stock but after much research I’ve found there are enough games that I’d like. I’ve ordered a Tearaway and Little Big Planet bundle, and Persona 4 Golden separately. The original PS Vitas have started to reduce in price due to the fact that the new Slim version has been released.

Believe it or not, I’ve never played Little Big Planet. I know it’s one of the flagship titles for Sony, but I’ve not had a Sony console since the PS2. Everyone seems to be a little bored of the franchise but this will be completely new for me. I know it’s a platformer and I heard it’s extremely customisable so I’ll see how it plays. It received positive reviews.

I’ve read a LOT of good reviews about Tearaway and it certainly looks charming. Same makers of Little Big Planet this seems to emphasise a lot of interaction between you and the main character. There’s a lot of innovative ways you need to help the main character including using the touch pad on the back of the PS Vita or shouting into the microphone. The only downside is that I heard it is extremely short. I like games to be quite meaty, but at the same time, you can experience amazing little gems in shorter titles such as Attack of the Friday Monsters on 3DS. This is one of the reasons why I chose the bundle as well as for the 16gb memory card. You’ll find Sony’s memory cards are more expensive than I’d like.

I had always liked the concept of Persona but never played it myself. I researched into Persona 4 Golden I knew I needed it. The idea of mixing high school activities and interactions with the usual RPG dungeon crawler sounds really appealing. How you interact with other characters and how you spend your time during the day affects your stats for later in battle. I’m wondering why I’ve never played Persona yet! I’m most excited for this game and can’t wait. I’ve seen people say they’ve clocked at least 100 hours into it.

I’ve decided I’ll subscribe to PSN+ as soon as I get my PS vita for the two free games every month. Currently Uncharted and Gravity Rush are available. Initially I was most excited about Uncharted as yet again, it’s a signature Sony flagship that I’ve never played. However, after waiting for my colleagues to close up yesterday I briefly tried the Gravity Rush demo on our display PS Vita yesterday and was quite engrossed. I love the mood of the game and of course, it has an anime style. I’m actually looking forward to this more than Uncharted now.

The other reason why I decided to purchase a PS Vita is for the Final Fantasy X HD Remaster since this was one of my first Final Fantasy games. The PS Vita was criticised by having too many ports, but since I’ve not played any of the games in the first place it’ll be refreshing for me. I’m hoping this won’t be a purchase I regret, but so far I’m greatly anticipating both deliveries.

 

I got the job!

I’ve been so busy lately, but I actually started training today. Seven hours. Majority of it was note taking. I’ve been painstakingly rewriting it into my notebook, colour coding the important parts since I have a small test tomorrow first thing. It’s been extremely overwhelming since I’ve just had information crammed into me and given lots of sheets to study. I do feel like this is somewhat out of my depths since I’m use to my homely game store. The good thing is this is part time and I’m still able to stay at my other job so I won’t have to miss my colleagues and I’ll also have an extra income. I also plan to continue doing my volunteer work hopefully every Monday.

It seems I am making progress, it’s just a shame mentally at times I’m hindered because of my ex. I think lately I have been panicking more and more since the time for me to see my ex is nearing. I thought I was ready, but I’m not. My emotions have been all over the place and I’ve not been able to enjoy my successes as much as I’d like to. I’m trying to be a stronger person but I’ve realised I’ve not moved on. Not even slightly. I can’t see why I can’t be happy without him when things seem to be going well. I hate being ungrateful. The next two weeks will be busy for me so hopefully I’ll have less and less time to focus on him.