…I’m not. Every single time. Every time I feel I’m progressing in life, when I think I’m making improvements, and that I’m starting to slowly think of him less, something pops up and my heart sinks. I saw another photo of him, something that couldn’t be avoided despite the preparations I’ve made. I already am in bad health lately but my chest felt even heavier and felt the familiar pangs of pain. I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break again after all these months. There was nothing significant about the photo, just the fact that he was happy without me.
At this moment in time it feels like doing the right thing doesn’t mean anything. I’m still extremely unhappy. I still feel lonely beyond belief. It feels like my choice to contact him or not hasn’t made a difference. I’m still suffering. I don’t think I can do this any more. I can’t keep feeling like this. I’ve tried so hard to not let my spirits drop so low, but at times I do wonder if the only way is to kill myself. I’ve been actively trying to avoid going down this path or to even let myself get so low that I start even thinking this way. I’ve been trying to keep my mental state reasonable and that’s why it makes this whole experience even more of an internal battle. Nothing is helping. I can’t keep up this façade of being optimistic when my entire being is hurting. I don’t know how to handle this intensity of pain that I’ve never felt before. I just feel frustrated that I’m trying to do the right actions and trying to rethink my life, but the pain is too overwhelming. I’m tired of my emotions being all over the place. I’m just tired.
Life is a joke without the punchline 