Today was a struggle

I know I haven’t posted much as of late. I guess it is out of laziness. I’ve been feeling quite off lately and it’s difficult to describe. I’ve not noticed time passing. Each day has merged into the next. I feel bad that I didn’t say Happy Birthday to people on Facebook but by the time I remember the day has passed and it’s too late. There’s been nothing to look forward to.

I know you’re wondering, what happened to the positivity of the last post? That has faded. I’ve yet to hear from any jobs back and whatever is happening with my ex has dwindled. The affection is gone, like I knew would happen eventually.

I did actually go to see another GP about my mental health and although she most likely prescribed me the same antidepressants, she at least explained why I should take them and what would happen afterwards. To even get specialised help, I need to take these. If they don’t work, she’ll adjust it accordingly. She said she could see from my face that I’m depressed, although at the time I was quite happy. It felt like a step forward. It was a shame I also took a step back.

I didn’t want to put this on my blog because it’s quite personal, but I need to let my anxiety out. I realised my contraceptive implant may have been canceled out by the antiobiotics I was taking for an infection from shaving. I’m potentially pregnant. I may not be, but there’s a chance. I’ve been panicking since this has come to my attention. I feel stupid and irritated with myself because I know that antibiotics affect contraception, but I assumed it only affected the pill. I also didn’t think since I was taking antibiotics for such a silly thing.

I told my ex everything but his response was simply “Okay,” Later on I asked him if he would support me if I was pregnant and I was taken back by his response. He answered that it was sounding premeditated. Anyone that knows me in person knows how much I despise children. I’m not a nasty person and I probably wouldn’t openly display my feelings towards them, but this has come up a couple of times. Early on in our relationship my ex almost broke up with me because of our conflicting views on children. Needless to say I was offended and in shock. Apparently it was because I knew antibiotics affects contraception (this is fair), because I was so eager to show him our characters had a baby in a game (it’s a fucking game!), and because I chose to have sex with him on my birthday when previously I had denied him. Okay, I also understand the latter, but it was simply that I felt on my birthday I just wanted to let go with my desires. Yes, it was my birthday but I didn’t think to myself, Ï’ll have a baby as a present!”

In the end he apologised and said it all seemed too much. I tried to let it go, but it has been eating away at me. I was with this person for five years and should know me better than any one, and yet I was still accused of trapping him with a baby. I felt like he had little respect for me and insulted my intelligence. I brought it up again with him today. I told him how terrified I feel and that he doesn’t seem to be supportive but he shrugged and said he doesn’t know what he’s meant to say to make me feel better. I brought up his accusation also and he responded with, “I was just stating the obvious.” To me and most people who know me, having a baby isn’t a possibility. Not any time soon.

The conversation died when he was more focused on the tv. I ended up walking out of the room and cry. I felt disappointed that I had such high expectations for this person. That I expected him to support me in this matter. I don’t know why I expected anything, I know he’s incapable of offering emotional support, but I thought with something this big, he would be there for me. On the other hand, he wasn’t there for me when my dad died, so I don’t know why l I thought this would be any different.

I’m probably not pregnant, but I’m scared. I’m shit scared. I’m scared to even have an abortion. I never wanted to let that become a possibility. I feel anger at myself for being stupid and not cautious enough, but also that I put myself in such a position. Today I realised, no matter what, I’ll have to go through this alone. It worries me. This is someone I wanted to be with, but his instant reaction was to blame me. This was someone I considered having children with in the future, if I did change my mind about children of course. I’m frightened from the reaction because I feel that if I was pregnant and did decide to keep it, he would leave me to do it alone. I wouldn’t receive any support because it’s my fault and he doesn’t have to take responsibility if he didn’t have to. I never questioned his morals, I always knew he would do the right thing and now I question that. I’m lost.

At this moment, I’m struggling. The worst thing is, I can’t take anti depressants in case I may be pregnant. I can’t offer relief to myself. While I was crying in the bedroom I kept hitting myself in the head and slapping my cheek in frustration. I just kept telling myself, “Why can’t I just stop crying?! Just get on with it!” But, my tears wouldn’t stop. Eventually I forced myself to stop crying.

I’m just stressed right now. I’m unhappy with my job, I’m physically drained, I feel mentally unstable and I don’t have the support I expected. I’ve never felt so alone at this moment. I hope no one I know will be reading this.