Try to think rationally

I’ve calmed down significantly today although I’ve not completely recovered. My breath is still shallow and I still feel as if something is clenching onto my chest. I can’t seem to let go. Yesterday I had one of my occasional (or frequent) breakdowns where life doesn’t make sense, I don’t make sense, nothing makes sense. Do you know what it feels like to know the logical answer and yet still not be able to follow through with it? I think to myself, “What are you doing?! You know what you need to do, so why aren’t you doing it? What is wrong with you?!” This is my thought process every day. I keep questioning myself, why can’t I just cope? Am I being lazy? The best way to describe it is being able to see the answer in front of you. Then add a thick fog that confuses your senses and direction. You know the answer is there, you know it’s reachable, but why can’t you reach it? You’re lost and you’re panicking. You’re alone. You can make it, but how? When? This is something I experience practically everyday. It ranges from the small things such as my team leader giving me a certain look and tone, to my love life. If that even exists. Every situation no matter the range of threat is treated as if it’s flashing code red. Then there are situations where it goes off the radar and I break down and lose function. 

Yesterday I had to struggle with myself to get ready to go to my mum’s second birthday meal. With the little strength I had I managed to dress reasonable and apply make up carefully despite my eyes burning from the flood of tears earlier. I’m no good at faking smiles and even the waiter jokingly asked why I was so miserable. I hate when strangers do that. “Cheer up! Smile!” If I knew how to do that I would. Even writing long journal entries didn’t diffuse my emotions. I came to the conclusion that I should just cut contact with my ex and be done with it. At least I’d know where I stand and be able to make progress with myself. It was then that he said to me, why does everything have to be serious or nothing? Maybe it’s because I don’t want to get hurt again, I just want to protect myself. It was a little unkind to force a decision especially regarding his current circumstances of working seven days a week. At this moment, I haven’t made a choice, I just simply decided to let it be. I’m not aiming to pursue romance or friendship, I won’t go out of my way for him to be an integral part of my life. The choice I am making is that I need to focus on myself. For too long I have been preoccupied with other people’s well being and progression. 

Yesterday was admitting many things to myself. It was considering the idea that maybe I was being used and that I wasn’t okay with the way things have developed. However, I think the biggest change in me was deciding to seek medical help. I have been avoiding anti depressants like the plague as I simply do not trust it. I’ve read the instructions where it warns you, “You may suffer from suicidal thoughts to begin with…” I also didn’t trust how freely my GP prescribed me. At the time I simply said I was struggling to sleep and bam! Here you go, have some drugs. I’ve been told by my ex, his room mate and my close friend that has a degree in biomedical science to avoid anti depressants. I was pleaded to. There’s one little problem; they’re not experiencing what I deal with everyday. They’re not the ones having to muster energy just to live through one more day. 

I’d like to think I’m a reasonably intelligent person and to feel this vulnerable is terrifying and frustrating. I know the logical answers and I berate myself for not following through something so seemingly simple. I can’t even have a day off where I’m not beating myself up. I know living like this isn’t normal, but most of all it is incredibly draining.

This morning I messaged my colleague asking him for his opinion on anti depressants and to my surprise I discovered he uses them and it’s helped him cope with life. He’s recommended ways to approach this and I am grateful to have someone to have a positive view on the subject. The only other person I know that is using anti depressants is currently void of any emotions and noted that it only seems to help with his stomach problems and nothing else. He did say himself he’s weird. 

Today I’ve spent this morning planning my approach to the week. I’ve decided I want to draw more and even if I don’t want to draw, tough, I have to persevere. If I want to improve I have to continue forth. I always kept saying to myself, why am I not progressing in life? I don’t deserve to be having such a tough time. In truth, I haven’t tried hard enough. I haven’t applied to enough jobs and I guess it is a fear of rejection. I’m not where I want to be because I haven’t fought for it. Some people have had an easier life than I have, but I haven’t done much to change my situation. My first step is to seek help and maybe my journey won’t be as difficult as it needs to be.

 

Potentially preparing to see the ex again

Not by choice or with anticipation, no. It’s one of those times again where it’s an event that we both probably would like to attend. This time I’ve been obsessing a bit less. I’ve not been as excited this time, but I’m more excited that I’ve managed to take the day off. I’ve felt exhausted lately.

I had hoped by this point I’d be more reasonable with my emotions and that possibly, I could be civil. No chance. I don’t think I’m ready to speak to him still. I’m still too angry and hurt. I don’t want to be mind you, I am fed up of him invading my thoughts. I can be feeling optimistic and at a snap of a finger my mood will completely change when he pops up in my mind. I think, I could have progressed slightly further if we didn’t argue last time we spoke as it left a bitter taste. There’s a reason why I asked him to leave me alone, and after both requests, he evidently didn’t and each time I’m left a mess. He ruins me, but he always did that. He knew how to. He’s told me at times that I’ve reduced him to tears although I’ve never seen this happen myself. In contrast, I’ve always been in tears. I wear my heart on my sleeves, while he’s always been so locked away. I just wonder to myself, why does it have to always be so terrible? I didn’t want to speak to him because I knew it would end with vicious arguments. We’re not together any more, so why is this still happening? Why can’t I find some peace?

A part of me is trying to start becoming the person I want to be, although the health side of things still haven’t been kicked into gear just yet. A new me. Not just a new me, but trying to reflect the kind of person I think I am. I also need to stop being lazy and start taking care of myself. People will say, guys will like you the way you are, but I don’t think being as low maintenance as I am is helping. I’m not dreadful, but I’m not someone you would turn you head for. I’ve been the type to blend into the background. I don’t want to be centre of attention and at times I like the fact that my gender isn’t factored into things. However, it would nice to be noticed a little bit. I know, I’m also doing this because of my ex which isn’t a good reason. As I’ve said before, I want him to see what he’s missing, but also to show I can live and progress without him because I know he never thought I could amount to much. That’s the impression I always got.

What’s frustrating is that I no longer want to feel this way. I want to move on and genuinely be happy. With or without him. I’d like to fall in love again, with him or someone else and have a happy relationship. I’d like to just be content but it seems I have some time before that will become reality.