I keep trying to make myself feel better by dreaming that one day I would confront my ex and put him in his place. There are always different variants although it would be even more satisfying if others witnessed the change in his behaviour.
This past week has been absolutely awful and has stretched out my patience.
I’ve started putting money aside in my savings now I actually have a proper income. I’m not sure how long this will last as I’m still struggling with being an adult. My mum still treats me like a child as she dictates how I dress and compares me to other girls. I’ve never been one to be overly feminine and although I have improved as I got older, I still like slouching in a baggy t shirt with tangled hair.
Something over the weekend confirmed how I feel about this as a previous colleague that I have known for almost three years decided to hit on me. He said I should dress more feminine because I look cute. I mumbled to him that I just dress however I feel. I felt annoyed. For someone I have known a reasonable length of time, my dress sense was important. I think inside I snapped. I got tired of other people determining how I should look. I don’t want to dress for anyone and even at work now I’m trying to incorporate my own style in a professional manner. I just want to be myself without someone breathing down my back on how I should and shouldn’t look. Furthermore, this isn’t how I want to find my partner. I don’t want to be judged by my appearance, but rather my personality. Why is it such a different thing to accomplish?
I’ve felt embarrassed by this person’s approach, particularly as it’s been confirmed that he is still with his wife. Lately I’ve just wanted to spend time alone and for the most part I have.
I recently went to visit a flat that a couple I know has put a partial mortgage down. They were the ones that use to live with my ex and need to rent a spare bedroom. I’ve decided this is my opportunity to move out for the first time since I missed out on the university experience.
I’ve been obsessing with room layout, colour themes, decorations, etc. I’ve never decorated my own room before so this will be a chance to personalise my own living space. The flat is quite small but it is newly furnished and cosy. I hope to be moving in fairly soon.
I know, I’ve been extremely poor in keeping up with this blog but now I’ve started adjusting I should be able to be more consistent with my posts.
I had quit my office job without being given much choice as it was either I resign or be fired. It seems according to my colleague who is still there that it was possibly a bluff. At the same time, leaving that job was possibly the best thing I could have done.
I was worried about my income as I was reduced down to one job and one where I was only contracted for 8 hours a week. I could potentially receive more hours but it could also be drastically reduced at any moment depending on management. I didn’t particularly get along with this new manager as I found his personality to be incredibly patronising and sarcastic. He was always aiming to be offensive with me. Ever since he arrived my role was changed to stand at the door and greet people while also checking if anyone wanted to buy our second hand technology. I did this for a few weeks.
I had left the job on a Friday and on Monday I received a phone call asking if I was able to have an interview the following day. By Wednesday I was offered the job. Thursday evening I sent my resignation via email and Friday I told my manager this would be my last shift.
Everything had happened so suddenly and even in regards to my ex things changed although I will go into more detail in another post. To put briefly, we’re no longer in contact and this was my choice this time.
I started the new job the week after due to going through a background check. With this new job I help people get back into employment or to do volunteer work for experience and it is government funded. That doesn’t mean it’s an easy job, I still receive anger and abuse, but it’s not nearly as bad as my previous office job.
I need to work hard, possibly even harder as I’m still on probation. I’ve learnt to juggle three tasks during my day but I need to be more efficient. I do feel I can take on more work.
So far, I enjoy what I do. It’s not too tiring and I feel I’m making a difference. I hope I can keep this job for a few more months.
I got the job. After missing the initial call and waiting 4 hours and missing the call again, I finally found out they they want to employ me and for me to start as soon as possible. It seems like a new start for me.
Friday was my last day at my office job. I am going to miss my colleagues. Another colleague left the same day with me and we went to celebrate with a Brazilian buffet and a film afterwards. We ended up seeing The Equalizer with Denzel Washington. I had no expectations and I was very close to not going at all due to working both jobs that day and having a heavy meal. I thoroughly enjoyed the film and I would watch it again. It’s a good action film.
That wasn’t the only change to happen, my ex contacted me last week pointing out that he knows that I’ve decided to cut contact with him. He requested two things: 1. What should he do with the dress he has that I usually sleep in 2. To delete any nude photos of him. That was all was said and after we came to a solution, his response was, “K, bye.”
And just like that, over 5 years of being in my life ended with “K, bye.” I had hoped he’d ask why I stopped making the effort of talking, but at the same time I don’t see why I was expected to be the one to initiate conversations. I had to accept that he was to busy to meet me occasionally or even leave a text, although his responses were snappy when sex was involved.
I got tired. I got tired of being made to feel my only use was for sex or to send nude photos even when I didn’t want to. I also got weary of the fact I was made to feel there was something wrong with me for getting depressed and have breakdowns. In response to asking that he doesn’t just want to be with me because of sex, it was “Here we go again, I don’t have time to answer with your mood swings.” This all happened when I had a break down and was signed off work by my GP. Instead of asking about my well-being, I was coerced into sending nude photos, even if I wasn’t in the mood I was told to get in the mood. My mental state was fragile and that was all that seemed to matter. Our conversation never recovered when he decided to avoid answering my question. He did message me about his living arrangements, but when I told him I was to be fired at the end of the month and he responded with, “Well, you got your wish”, I realised I’m never going to get the support I want or really need.
Unfortunately, this will still be a long process to reverse the damage he’s done to me mentally. I can’t blame the entirety of my mental status on him, but he did manage to prolong the effects and dare I say, even made it more difficult. I realised recently, he used my fear of my mental health to his own benefit.
“They hate playing games with you that they stopped playing the game because of you. They think you’re too controlling.”
“The whole group has been complaining about you.”
“I know you’ve told other people i’m a prick. They’ve told me themselves. All the people you’ve spoken to speak to me you know, don’t think I’m stupid.”
At the time, I believed him. I confronted people about this, particularly about the gaming, they all said either they wanted to play a different game or they can only play games at night. Their decision had no bearing on me. At the time, I still believed my ex over them. I became paranoid that this is what people really think of me. It was only in the last few months I realised he lies. In the last argument I asked 90% of the people he mentioned and all of them denied what he had claimed. Some were even offended. I said I had forgiven him, but I hadn’t. It’s horrible to think that I was purposely being made to feel alienated, but it’s only now I’ve been in the right state that I could rationally reflect on the situation.
I truly loved this person and to come to a realisation that the person I loved was trying to ruin me mentally makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t feel I can trust again because my own mind is my fear and I thought a partner would help you through it, not create paranoia from thin air.
I no longer feel close to people and I guess I am still paranoid. I think, I’m beginning to finally move on after coming to an understanding but I’m not happy. I spoke to my colleague at lunch yesterday and he said I still won’t be happy for a very long time.
I’m not sure why I’ve ranted so much about my ex, I didn’t want to but I’ve been unable to sleep for a while now. When I did, he would always be in my dreams even if his role is minimal. Eventually, I won’t need to mention him again.
The reason for the title is actually irrelevant to the above, but it is due to having an interview yesterday. I was called the day before and in all honesty I had forgot that I even applied for the job. I went through a frenzy and applied for anything and everything a month ago when I was unhappy with my office job. I received no responses so I gave up. This wasn’t the career I had in mind so I should not be too heartbroken if I don’t get it, but I do want a chance of a proper full time job that doesn’t involve selling. I want better wages and I want a more challenging role. At this moment in my retail store, I simply stand at the front near the entrance and greet people. If someone approaches the phones and tablets by the window I try to get a sale in or persuade the customer to trade in their old technology. That is my sole role. I didn’t go to university and study for four years for this. I want more to my life. I want to work hard and be so busy that I can collapse into my bed.
I hope something good will come for me after a stressful couple of months. Fingers crossed.
I handed in my resignation for my office job. I knew this was a decision I had to think about, but in the end I was given no choice.
My choices were resign or be fired at the end of the month. I’ve failed to be hush, hush about this but I don’t see why I should hide the tyranny of the company. I meant nothing to the company and I was never valued. This isn’t a shock but the lack of care towards the staff never ceases to amaze me. In the end, I was just a pawn.
I’ve never been told that whether I passed my probation or not, but I guess it no longer matters. I told my ex that I was going to get fired and his response was, “Well, you got your wish.”
My last day will be next Friday but I’m finding it reasonably liberating. I still work the same as before, but today I’ve been sketching while selling PPI over the phone.
I’ll be able to get more hours at my retail job as I’ve been told I’ll be working weekdays. My role will be as the ‘tech guy’. I’ll be selling and trading as well as testing. We have a new manager yet again. My previous one suddenly left and decided to move up north. I’m not so sure of this one. I don’t really like his sense of humour. I wasn’t working on Saturday and was going to offer to still help out of choice. My manager felt like it was compulsory for me to help despite not being paid for this. I don’t like volunteered work to be expected.
Despite these things, I’ve been more motivated. I cracked out After Effects and started with some experiments. I’ve been talking to a colleague about the mentality of success. I feel now is the time for me to work on progression.
I know I left my previous post on such a low. I am a lot better now. It’s not that my life has drastically changed since, but my GP (reluctantly) signed me off from work for a week. During that time off I mostly stayed indoors, played Danganronpa and then proceeded to play the sequel (which I have yet to even get half way yet) and that is all.
I said goodbye to my friend who has returned to China by meeting in London and eating Korean food for the first time. I had to google it just now to remember the dish I actually ate and it’s called Bibimbap. It involved rice, a runny egg, chilli paste, mushroom and other vegetables and I had to mix it thoroughly before eating. It was quite lovely as we also had a seafood omelette. This was a tiny Korean restaurant where we shared a table with strangers.
I did also go bowling with my retail colleagues although I didn’t actually bowl. This was while I was drained and my eyes were sore from crying. I’ve since managed to reconcile with all my friends. My mum had told me not to hold grudges as people will always do this. She said if I keep taking things too personally I will end up with no friends, so I decided to just let go.
On the other hand, I’ve decided not to pursue things any further with my ex. Despite telling him I’ve been signed off from work due to stress he kept persisting I send him nude photos and consistently sending me videos and photos of himself in hope of returning some. When I messaged him to make sure he does want more than sex his response was, “Not this again.” When I stated he still didn’t answer my question he messaged back, “Ok random mood swing change mind person. I’m not wasting time doing this conversation.” We’ve barely spoken apart from me prompting for him to return my old laptop back. This isn’t out of spite, my brother has taken my mum’s laptop and she’s been fumbling with a tablet to do everything. Due to taking time off and not receiving sick pay, I can’t afford to travel to London just to collect my laptop.
The reason why I’ve found enough is enough is due to the fact that his retaliation was to punish me with silent treatment even though the question was a simple yes or no answer. It doesn’t give me much faith, particularly as the only time he seems to respond immediately is if the conversation is of a sexual nature. In all honesty, it gets too repetitive and stale as there’s not even any flirting involved. What was a turning point for me was realising he wouldn’t speak to me, I discovered that I didn’t care. I didn’t care if he would stop speaking to me. Usually this was a way for him to control me as I grovel and beg for him to speak to me, but this is no longer the case.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t have feelings. My ex has been in my dreams every night so far much to my dread. However, I think I’m finally reaching a point where I don’t feel as if I’m in love with him. I don’t yearn for him, I don’t particularly care if he’s in my life. Being back in contact with him has made me feel lonely and believe me, I can be lonely all by myself. He doesn’t add anything to my life apart from a dread that he can snap at me with his temper at times. He’s not a bad person, but his behaviour towards me leaves me much to be desired. Since I’m the closest to him, it seems I receive the brunt of the abuse. I also realised that he uses my mental health to his advantage and that’s something I still haven’t forgiven him. The last time we argued he attempted to render me paranoid about my friends to give him an upper hand. It didn’t work in the first place, but after confronting my friends, I realised he was lying. Not even twisting the truth, just outright lies.
Regardless, I need to focus on myself. I have been applying for jobs on the whim during the weekend and so far I’ve received two rejections. I’m not quite sure what I’d like to do with my life still. I am at a stand still but leaving my office job seems to be a priority at this moment.
I am blessed that I have decent co workers in both my jobs and it makes things bearable. I can laugh in dire situations and that’s a powerful thing.
I want to attempt to make positive habits, particularly when it comes to my mental health. I would like to return to doing meditation, following my self help books and keeping a daily journal. I may do another entry of apps and books I feel have been beneficial. I also need to return to exercising as my physical health has been extremely poor.
I’m not in bliss, but I’ve at least managed to pick myself up from the turmoil I felt in my previous entry.
The past week has been possibly the worst I’ve gone through in the terms of emotional support.
I’ve come to realise the people in my life fail to be supportive when I need them the most. It would be simpler if at the time they couldn’t be there, but instead I’m on the receiving end of people’s frustrations. Despite the fact I may be correcting assumptions or even trying to be neutral in a situation, in the end I seem to get a cold response.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I hate my jobs and I don’t have supportive people in my life. Honestly, I’m surprised I haven’t resorted back to self harming or tried to kill myself. At least when I’ve had break downs previously, I had some people and I did also receive counselling at the time. This time, I have nothing.
I work six days a week at a job that makes me anxious before I even step foot into the building and there’s always drama at my other job that I seem to get involved in despite aiming to be neutral. I have an (ex) partner who can’t be bothered to meet up with me when I’m struggling emotionally. Despite trying to correct his assumption that I’d want him to travel to me to spend time together, his reaction is to get back to work and ignore me.
I hate feeling like a victim and being the type to think, “Nobody cares about me” but the people closest to me have failed to not add extra stress to my life. I don’t feel I’m important to anyone and I think I have good reason for feeling this way. I am absolutely amazed that people have actually let me down when they’re needed the most. Instead I get a blunt response and that’s that.
I don’t have hope at this moment. I’m ashamed that I can’t just get on and deal with the shit I’m going through. Most people have to. I don’t particularly want to be alive, but I have no energy to even be suicidal. I just feel numb.