Friday was my last day at my office job. I am going to miss my colleagues. Another colleague left the same day with me and we went to celebrate with a Brazilian buffet and a film afterwards. We ended up seeing The Equalizer with Denzel Washington. I had no expectations and I was very close to not going at all due to working both jobs that day and having a heavy meal. I thoroughly enjoyed the film and I would watch it again. It’s a good action film.
That wasn’t the only change to happen, my ex contacted me last week pointing out that he knows that I’ve decided to cut contact with him. He requested two things: 1. What should he do with the dress he has that I usually sleep in 2. To delete any nude photos of him. That was all was said and after we came to a solution, his response was, “K, bye.”
And just like that, over 5 years of being in my life ended with “K, bye.” I had hoped he’d ask why I stopped making the effort of talking, but at the same time I don’t see why I was expected to be the one to initiate conversations. I had to accept that he was to busy to meet me occasionally or even leave a text, although his responses were snappy when sex was involved.
I got tired. I got tired of being made to feel my only use was for sex or to send nude photos even when I didn’t want to. I also got weary of the fact I was made to feel there was something wrong with me for getting depressed and have breakdowns. In response to asking that he doesn’t just want to be with me because of sex, it was “Here we go again, I don’t have time to answer with your mood swings.” This all happened when I had a break down and was signed off work by my GP. Instead of asking about my well-being, I was coerced into sending nude photos, even if I wasn’t in the mood I was told to get in the mood. My mental state was fragile and that was all that seemed to matter. Our conversation never recovered when he decided to avoid answering my question. He did message me about his living arrangements, but when I told him I was to be fired at the end of the month and he responded with, “Well, you got your wish”, I realised I’m never going to get the support I want or really need.
Unfortunately, this will still be a long process to reverse the damage he’s done to me mentally. I can’t blame the entirety of my mental status on him, but he did manage to prolong the effects and dare I say, even made it more difficult. I realised recently, he used my fear of my mental health to his own benefit.
“They hate playing games with you that they stopped playing the game because of you. They think you’re too controlling.”
“The whole group has been complaining about you.”
“I know you’ve told other people i’m a prick. They’ve told me themselves. All the people you’ve spoken to speak to me you know, don’t think I’m stupid.”
At the time, I believed him. I confronted people about this, particularly about the gaming, they all said either they wanted to play a different game or they can only play games at night. Their decision had no bearing on me. At the time, I still believed my ex over them. I became paranoid that this is what people really think of me. It was only in the last few months I realised he lies. In the last argument I asked 90% of the people he mentioned and all of them denied what he had claimed. Some were even offended. I said I had forgiven him, but I hadn’t. It’s horrible to think that I was purposely being made to feel alienated, but it’s only now I’ve been in the right state that I could rationally reflect on the situation.
I truly loved this person and to come to a realisation that the person I loved was trying to ruin me mentally makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t feel I can trust again because my own mind is my fear and I thought a partner would help you through it, not create paranoia from thin air.
I no longer feel close to people and I guess I am still paranoid. I think, I’m beginning to finally move on after coming to an understanding but I’m not happy. I spoke to my colleague at lunch yesterday and he said I still won’t be happy for a very long time.
I’m not sure why I’ve ranted so much about my ex, I didn’t want to but I’ve been unable to sleep for a while now. When I did, he would always be in my dreams even if his role is minimal. Eventually, I won’t need to mention him again.
The reason for the title is actually irrelevant to the above, but it is due to having an interview yesterday. I was called the day before and in all honesty I had forgot that I even applied for the job. I went through a frenzy and applied for anything and everything a month ago when I was unhappy with my office job. I received no responses so I gave up. This wasn’t the career I had in mind so I should not be too heartbroken if I don’t get it, but I do want a chance of a proper full time job that doesn’t involve selling. I want better wages and I want a more challenging role. At this moment in my retail store, I simply stand at the front near the entrance and greet people. If someone approaches the phones and tablets by the window I try to get a sale in or persuade the customer to trade in their old technology. That is my sole role. I didn’t go to university and study for four years for this. I want more to my life. I want to work hard and be so busy that I can collapse into my bed.
I hope something good will come for me after a stressful couple of months. Fingers crossed.