Scattered Clouds, 1°C


It seems that worked. Strange. I have tried to make several blog posts where I have written extensively only for WordPress to not publish or even save. I’m sure you’d understand that when you’re typing away you put a lot of your emotions into your words only for it be wiped in the end. It did make me disheartened as I wanted to keep updating my blog.

I’ll see how using this app goes.

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Scattered Clouds, 1°C

1 Hogarth Crescent

I haven’t been posting because the WordPress site won’t let me seem to publish on my computer or mobile, so I’m just testing this through an external app on my phone.

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Growning Down

Lately I’ve really been reliving my inner child. Yesterday I showed my “adult” colouring book and recently I’ve discovered fish fingers butty. I didn’t know this was a thing, but it makes sense. I had it for lunch today but it was more of a sophisticated version with spring onions and spinach. I finished my lunch off with a cheese string.

Moving out has made me more of an adult, but it’s also made me realise, I’m an adult, I can do what I want. It seems I’m not the only one with this mentality. I’ve come to the conclusion I will do whatever will make me happy regardless of what other people will think.

I’ve also started to not attend things if I don’t want to. I still feel bad, but I shouldn’t feel I have to go to events. My money issues do play a part in this and the fact most social events involve alcohol which I’m not fond of. I don’t hate it, but I don’t quite see the point either.

I just want to do things that makes me happy, not because I’m worried about what people think.

What does make me feel old though is that my niece is off to university in two weeks time. While someone else takes their first steps to independence, I’ve sat here eating a cheese string.

A lot has happened in the past few months

My ex has become my boyfriend again. Due to circumstances, he’s now moved in. It wasn’t quite the romantic, next-stage-of-the-relationship kind of thing, but more, his flat mates had asked him to move out and he knows all of us.

Initially, I was filled with dread. On one hand I wanted him to have a stable place to live as for the past couple of years I’ve watched him move from place to place, sometimes sleeping on a sofa, and when he finally settled he had to move again. My flat mate is his best friend and they’ve grown up together so this offers him the most security. One one hand, it would be a hell of a lot easier to see him now I don’t need to travel.

Things have so far actually ran more smoothly than I thought. I’ve enjoyed his company and of course the cuddles it brings along. He’s currently at work and won’t be home tonight, I actually miss his presence.

I paid off all my debts, apart from a few friends I owe money to, although it isn’t too much. I am incredibly poor at this moment so I can’t go out as much as I’d like.

I feel sad that I don’t see my best friend as much anymore. I think it’s been a month now. We rarely talk either. I guess this happens when you grow up.

I’m actually, okay. I’ve probably been more happier than usual. I’m up to date with my work so it’s less stressful and my mentality is better so I am able to handle more work loads. Things have been going well with my partner and his company is appreciated. I’ve removed any looming debts so I can focus on improving my financial situation. The one thing I do wish to improve is having hobbies outside of work. I want to enrich my life more so I don’t live to work.


This photo illustrates two things I’ve got into lately. A friend had a Decoden party and I designed some key rings. The actual act of making one was really relaxing so I’d like to do this more. The book underneath is an adult colouring book which I’ve been doing in my spare time as a way of calming down after a long day or even to get away from technology since I use the computer so much at work. I feel like such a kid again and it is childish, but that’s what I like about these activities, it brings out the inner child in me where I wasn’t held down by responsibilities yet.

My aim right now is to find hobbies that don’t require money which is why I’m having to hold off the decoden for a moment.

On a different note, I finally purchased a chair for my desk, hence why I’ve been able to get back to keeping a blog more regularly. Hunching over on my bed or typing on a touch screen hasn’t been ideal. I’d like to be more consistent this time to show the changes in my life over time and also how I’ve developed over time. I hope I’m becoming a better person, but I’m not sure.

I feel content and I want to enjoy this moment. I hope to report back soon!

Not much has happened…

Today was a pre-audit, although my team leader enforced this last week so I’m not struggling too much. What I am struggling with is the extra work load and having to push my own work aside yet again. I don’t mind helping but not when I constantly here, “Hurry up Dominique! I need this done quickly!” I’m being rushed to do tasks that aren’t mine…

I was hoping to go to my ex’s today but he’s gone out. I did feel a bit sad but today at home hasn’t been too bad. My flat mate (I’ll call her A) seemed to have a day off today. She still doesn’t engage in conversation much without her boyfriend (I’ll call him B). I saw A was playing Splatoon in the living room and tried to converse.

“Oh you’re playing Splatoon!”


“I played it at the tournament on the weekend, it’s really fun!”


This was the extent of our conversation. Now that B is back home from work she’s laughing and talking in their room. This would be fine if maybe she’s having an off day, but she’s been like this for months. Yet she seems to act normal around B.

I kinda saddens me because I thought we were friends. Not even a hello, just silence when I walk into the same room. This aspect makes me miss home because at least my mum would talk to me now and again. I mean B does converse with me sometimes, more than A.

Regardless, today hasn’t been bad. I’ve started making my own insert for my Filofax although admittedly I’ve copied an already existing one since it won’t print. However, I’m going to start adjusting it to fit me and my thought process.

I’ve been trying to work on my Overcoming Anxiety exercises, but I’ve not been doing that too much this week. I think I’m worried about the audit and how they might think I’m breaching data protection. Silly, huh?

I applied for a job today. It pays significantly more than my current one although I don’t feel I have enough experience to get it. I am ready to leave but I’m not sure what to apply for. I thought I’d be fine with this office job in the mean while but it’s been making me unhappy and stressed. I don’t mind doing a lot of work but it seems unjust.

I’ll try not to focus on the negatives too much. I want to hang out with friends and enjoy myself. A part of me wants to find new friends to broaden my social group, but I know it doesn’t quite work that way. Gaming so far has been the best way for me to socialise but I’m not even that fond of Smash bros. People are really nice, but I just don’t share the love of it and I feel like a bit of an outsider because of it.

I never wanted to be known as the girlfriend of so and so, and because of this I’ve tried to get out of my comfort zone.

This touches on another thing, I’m actually unsure of I’m in a relationship or not. I’d like to not think so for now, but it seems it’s developed into one. I haven’t told most of my friends, partially because I feel embarrassed in case they judge me, but I’ve been pretty happy with him lately. At the same time, I’m somewhat learning to enjoy my own company which is positive. I don’t want to be too reliant or dependent on someone.

For a not so interesting day, I have written a lot. I’ll try to blog more and which an actual interesting subject next time.

Stressful week

I’ve become very anxious again this week. Mostly due to work as we’ve had a few audits this week and we have a major one next week. If we don’t pass we’ll basically lose our jobs.

I’m at a point where I don’t know if I’m complaining about everything and being unreasonable. I don’t enjoy complaining but I feel I need to vent. Unfortunately my “support” group are usually unavailable. I’ve been so incredibly stressed to the point where I had a small panic attack. At this moment I’m not allowed to have my phone or my bags with me so I’ve wrote a book of tips and encouragements to get me through this. I thought work was my only stress, but clearly not.

I thought living with my flat mates would be great since we’ve been friends since college but they don’t seem to be separate people, particularly the girl. She use to be a generally nice person but even a few mutual friends have noticed how she’s less engaging and generally lacking manners. An example being that she no longer says hello or goodbye to guests, even if they’re her friends too. She locks herself away in her room and only leaves if her boyfriend leaves.

I’ve wondered if it would be best to live with strangers and develop friendships rather than have friends become strangers. It’s just very cold and sterile when it comes to our interactions.

Again, maybe I’m over thinking and being too judgmental. Once things go bad in one area, it seems all areas of my life dips.

For now, things with my ex are alright as he has been fairly supportive to a degree. Whether he’ll get sick of my slump, I’m not sure.

I hate being so anxious and on edge. I’ve looked at techniques, advice, etc. Even though I’m currently not shaking or struggling to breathe, there’s a heavy lump on my chest. I’m so afraid.

I wake up to work with dread. On my way I wonder if I should not look while crossing, or if I should jump in front of a train. The thoughts are fleeting, I don’t linger on it for too long but the thoughts are there.

I don’t quite know how to get through this. People are telling me to get on with it, this is what life is like and that…feels awful.

Why can’t I cope when it’s just simply life? It makes me feel even more worthless.

I feel incredibly alone, and the only thing I have to prove I’m not is by reading the anxiety forum on Reddit. I’m not sure whether I’d like to reach out, but I feel people get tired of me quite quickly. I’m hard work when I’m like this.

I hope tomorrow won’t be as bad or even draining…


This morning I had travelled from my ex’s house after he made his way from work. Our night consisted of watching 9 out of 10 cats and giving him a full body massage that led him to fall asleep.

I was pretty upbeat when I got home. I started cooking to music and then lounged around on my bean bag for a bit.

A friend of mine had just finished work. We were to make our way to our old colleague’s 21st birthday so he dropped by mine for a bit.

When I was finally ready to leave I was disappointed at the lack of engagement of my flat mates when we both said goodbye. One was barely audible, and the other simply said nothing.

I felt out of place at the birthday event. It was in a typical pub and I realised there were very few coloured people there. I think there were only us three Asians and that was it. The music was unbearably loud for my liking and the food selection were the usual cold, shop bought after thought. I hate to say it because my old colleague and friend is so lovely.

It made me realise I have the personality of an old person. “It’s too loud!” “What’s the point in getting drunk?” I just simply can not identify with my old colleagues anymore. Partying has never been my kind of thing.

I hate the idea that I’ve become more and more distant over time towards my friends. I definitely don’t want my ex to be the biggest part of my life again. I want my own group of friends that I can relate to.

I’m left feeling unsure but this may be down to my anxiety and social awkwardness.

After death there is nothing

I know this will be an unpopular opinion but I believe after death, there’s nothing.

After my dad died, and seeing other people’s family die, it still didn’t make me believe there was an after life and only reinforced my opinion.

I never understood when people made statuses on Facebook such as “They’re looking down on me from heaven.”

I don’t think so. More than that I also feel it’s an incredibly selfish thing to believe. They’ve passed on, why would they spend their after life caring or even worrying about people?

I’d like to believe nothingness brings peace. No more struggles in life, no more hardship. Just nothing.

I mean for people who feel suicidal, the idea of nothing sounds splendid. All the pain, all the fear, the anxiety, that looming cloud that suffocates you will all be gone. I think what prevented me from trying to kill myself was also because of the nothingness after death. You wouldn’t feel relief, or calmness or even a sense of freedom.

It scares me more that I’d die with mediocrity and not leaving a mark.

“Dominique, 24, died today. She worked in an office.”

I’d personally feel my life amounted to nothing and then afterwards there’s nothing. Unlike everything else, I don’t believe there’s a second chance. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t make the most of my life at all, but it’s foolish to take it so lightly.

I don’t visit my dad’s grave and nor does my family, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I don’t think any of us believe he’s really there. When he died he left an empty shell. As long as I think about him from time to time, I won’t forget. As a family, we share tales of his dopey character and he lives through those memories.

I believe after death there’s nothing and it’s not a good nor a bad thing. I prefer to believe it’s an end to a struggle that living inevitably brings and as long as you leave a footprint, there shouldn’t be any regrets.

Catch Up

A lot has happened in the past month or two. It’s not that I chose to neglect this blog. I do want to write but it’s hard. I wondered to myself, “Why is it so difficult for me to maintain a blog now?” The simple answer is that I haven’t been confiding in anyone or anything over the past few months. I’ve spoken to friends less, I’ve not kept a diary. Everything has been kept inside as a thought process which I know is a step backwards.

I have this thing lately where I’ve been trying to become more independent and to rely on people less, but it has also meant I’ve become more distant and closed. Partially on purpose and partially because I’ve been afraid of getting burnt. I’ve tried to reach out to a few people at times and I’ve had no response. It’s shattering when you’re calling out and there’s no one. Instead, I decided to stop seeking.

It’s not all been negative though. I recently got addicted to the Daredevil TV series on Netflix (ah-mazing!) and that has been my saviour for the past week or so. It sounds minuscule, but it gave me something to look forward to when I get back home and it served as a distraction from my anxious mind. I bought an Amazon Fire stick despite already having a Chromecast and it’s been a great help for me since I don’t have to worry about it constantly draining my phone and when I’ve finished I simply turn the TV off. It’s like having Sky or Virgin for me as I can flick through things with a remote.

People who don’t experience anxiety probably don’t understand how big of a deal this is for me. There has not been a time where I’m not constantly thinking, and thinking, and thinking, and thinking. And thinking. Think about how repetitive that sentence was and that describes how my mind works, but it never ends it just pauses now and again. To finally just sit and do nothing is a great triumph. I still can’t do it often but it’s been bliss when I’ve finally managed to sit and relax for a day.

I think it helps that I’m somewhat in a better place. I’m hoping soon I’ll be made permanent in my job, I mean it’s been 6 months already. Regardless, I need to stop being lazy and start job hunting just in case. I’m not the type of person to settle in a job I’m unhappy with and I certainly don’t get paid enough to persuade me. The only positive is that my work place is walking distance from home.

I’ve started attending tournaments again although most people are complete strangers. The first time I attended I started talking to a girl with crutches. I’ve seen her many times before and she has always been in crutches. I’ve never asked why, it didn’t really matter to me that she has an illness. This was the first time we spoke properly and afterwards we’ve kept in contact. She kept thanking me and told me how I’m such a nice person. I couldn’t understand why she was so thankful. She told me she feels lonely at tournaments because there’s not many girls in the community. When she did try to befriend someone they didn’t want to associate with her because her illness is too depressing. She said she felt down but I approached her and held a conversation. She said I’m the first person that didn’t seem like I was trying to run away from her during a conversation. I couldn’t understand why, she seems perfectly fine to talk to.

This encounter made me realise how an action so small can really make an impact on someone else. I didn’t do it to be kind, it was a natural part of socialising. She explained to me that she tries to compliment and encourage people because she had a friend who did that for her and so she wants to spread that to others. I’ve never met someone so kind-hearted and it’s inspired me. For the past few months I’ve reduced myself to caring less and somewhat with a bitchy attitude because I lost faith in humanity. I lost my naivety and seeing the good in people, and now I can only see the awful aspects seeping out. That hasn’t changed, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do small acts of kindness. This one girl lifted me up from just genuinely being a good person and I want to make other people feel the same way.

I’ve had another encounter which was unexpected. I had a heated argument with my ex about how I can’t stop him from coming over to where I live since he is my flat mate’s best friend, but he needs to accept that I live here too. He didn’t take too kindly to it and after he had his say he blocked me. I sold the necklace he gave me for our anniversary and it was at that moment I decided I would look into dating. I had fairly moved on. The feelings were still there, but I knew it would take time to fully heal. I realised that I was thinking about things too seriously. I didn’t want a relationship, just going on a date doesn’t mean I have to decide to spend my life with this person.

I began to see dating as an experience I needed and that in a way I could start learning about myself. Admittedly, I also missed having sex, but I realised it wasn’t a bad thing. Not wanting to be in a relationship but wanting to have sex isn’t dirty or unreasonable and again, I wanted to learn about myself. My whole experience has been about giving and for once I wanted to learn about who I am. I signed up to dating sites and started talking to different men and I also learnt I had to be a bit more ruthless. I had the power to pick and choose, but I don’t really like that. I don’t like feeling that because there aren’t enough women on dating sites men are extremely eager even if deep down they don’t feel we match. It was going well.

It was only a week went by when I woke up to an email from my ex. He had no other way of communicating with me because I had removed every way of contacting me. I forgot you could even communicate by email anymore with instant messaging around. The way he contacted me wasn’t the only thing that took me by surprise, but also the content. It was very honest and also revealing. In the 8 years I have known this person, in the email were things that made me realise I didn’t know him that well. I’ve never really asked about my ex’s past and in a way he was selective about what he shared. I asked my flat mate for his contact number and I asked him to come over on Easter Sunday as I was preparing a roast dinner for everyone.

My roast came out amazing by the way. I just wanted to point that out. I’m still very proud of it. After everyone relaxed a bit, I asked to speak to him privately. We spoke a bit and we argued about the past, but I mostly hugged him and held for a bit. Earlier, I had called my mum asking for advice and I told her everything in the email, her response was to be there for him as it seems he’s reaching out to me. Even she knew it was unlike him to be so open about his feelings. Not much was said, it was more that I wanted to give him reassurance.

This relates to the girl earlier about the small act of kindness going a long way. I’m on speaking terms with my ex again. He said that night meant a lot to him. I listened and I think I made him feel safer. I think in a way, it made him remember why he cared about me. I don’t quite understand how it made such an impact on him because again, it’s something I would naturally do. I was extremely angry with him, but it’s hard not to want to take care of people you love, and this doesn’t just go for relationships. I’m not sure what is to happen with my ex. So far, he’s been honest and more open.

I’m still not quite ready for a relationship because I want to learn more about myself. I’m constantly debating what it means to be a good person and if I can go back to that philosophy. I’ve had a long in depth conversation about this with my friend and with my ex. Maybe I’m over thinking again, but I’m trying to dig deep inside and pick myself up from this slump I’ve been in the past few months. My perspective on people changed for the worst, but as my ex said, “If I don’t do good things for other people. who will?” If I don’t do it, then that’s one less person who will make this world a better place.

It’s been a while

I know I’ve neglected this blog. Not because I forgot or decided to stop continuing, it’s just life got in the way.

Lately it feels like I work to live. My job is the kind where 5 o’clock isn’t home time and your managers look at you as if you’re obliged to stay. It doesn’t matter if you work hard to stay on top of the work, you’re never on top of things. You’re never comfortable enough to give a sigh of relief.

A new job, a new home, surely I’d be happier right? Seems not.

Sometimes I just simply think I’m a moany bitch that can’t ever seem to enjoy life. God, sometimes I’m sick of my own complaining. But… it just feels like there’s something wrong and I don’t know what is keeping me from being happy.

I have a friend I met at one of my previous jobs. He has such severe anxiety he has been unable to leave the house for the past few months and had to hand in his resignation. He explained to me that depression never goes away, you just make room for it in your life. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so unhappy. I’ve had my ex and his father tell me to sort it out. I can’t keep continuing like this but I can’t just get rid of it either.

I feel even my closest friend doesn’t seem to be understanding anymore. I’ve told him how suicidal I’ve felt lately and his response is fairly blasé. I can’t blame him though, you get use to it and besides, I don’t have the guts to do it anyway.

I know I’m also to blame for my own situation. If I really want to change my life I could. It is simply down to my own actions, but why can’t I do it?

In some ways I’ve progressed into a independent adult, but I’m also incredibly lonely. There’s not a single person anymore where I feel something. I don’t feel I could trust my entire life and secrets with anyone. I’m not sure if it’s paranoia but more realising how awful the majority of my friends are. The more I become an adult, the more I realise how much I despise people. I hate how negative I’ve become. I use to be the naïve one who always saw the good in people.

Maybe the reason why I’ve returned to this blog again is because I don’t have someone to confide in anymore. I’m long past the point where I receive an understanding ear.