It’s been a while

I know I’ve neglected this blog. Not because I forgot or decided to stop continuing, it’s just life got in the way.

Lately it feels like I work to live. My job is the kind where 5 o’clock isn’t home time and your managers look at you as if you’re obliged to stay. It doesn’t matter if you work hard to stay on top of the work, you’re never on top of things. You’re never comfortable enough to give a sigh of relief.

A new job, a new home, surely I’d be happier right? Seems not.

Sometimes I just simply think I’m a moany bitch that can’t ever seem to enjoy life. God, sometimes I’m sick of my own complaining. But… it just feels like there’s something wrong and I don’t know what is keeping me from being happy.

I have a friend I met at one of my previous jobs. He has such severe anxiety he has been unable to leave the house for the past few months and had to hand in his resignation. He explained to me that depression never goes away, you just make room for it in your life. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so unhappy. I’ve had my ex and his father tell me to sort it out. I can’t keep continuing like this but I can’t just get rid of it either.

I feel even my closest friend doesn’t seem to be understanding anymore. I’ve told him how suicidal I’ve felt lately and his response is fairly blasé. I can’t blame him though, you get use to it and besides, I don’t have the guts to do it anyway.

I know I’m also to blame for my own situation. If I really want to change my life I could. It is simply down to my own actions, but why can’t I do it?

In some ways I’ve progressed into a independent adult, but I’m also incredibly lonely. There’s not a single person anymore where I feel something. I don’t feel I could trust my entire life and secrets with anyone. I’m not sure if it’s paranoia but more realising how awful the majority of my friends are. The more I become an adult, the more I realise how much I despise people. I hate how negative I’ve become. I use to be the naïve one who always saw the good in people.

Maybe the reason why I’ve returned to this blog again is because I don’t have someone to confide in anymore. I’m long past the point where I receive an understanding ear.

Reality isn’t so clear cut

I keep trying to make myself feel better by dreaming that one day I would confront my ex and put him in his place. There are always different variants although it would be even more satisfying if others witnessed the change in his behaviour.

More often than not, I call out on his abusive behaviour behind closed doors and his tactics of making himself appear as a caring person. I would tell him how I’m not in love with anymore, not the same way as I use to be. I’m no longer blinded by what I felt for him and I can see and think much more rationally. I can see his face change and in that moment, I make him realise what he has done to me in the six years.
The thing is, that wouldn’t happen. It never would. He doesn’t feel remorse about his actions and he can continue smiling in photos. If I ever did confront him, I know that he would undermine my words by stating I’m being emotional like most females. My value is undermined by my gender and I was never on the same playing field. Before I even get to speak a word I’m already decided as a crazy bitch.
Reality isn’t so clear cut. Evil isn’t so obvious. Morals aren’t so important anymore. I always thought it was common sense to treat people kindly and as an equal. That’s why I can’t comprehend when someone spends the majority undermining someone that loves them. Even when given a second chance, a third or fourth even, it never changes.
I feel I’ve seen evil in its purest form. I wasn’t beaten, I wasn’t cheated on. There’s no marks or evidence that I was abused but in some sense that makes it even harder.
I can only look at things in retrospect and now I’m so angry with him and myself for realising the symptoms of abuse in a relationship. I always thought I was an intelligent person and would be able to identify what is wrong. The problem was that my ex is a highly intelligent person and any doubts I had he would talk down to me for even suggesting what we went through was abnormal.
I feel disgusted with him and myself. I always thought to myself, “I’ll rise above this!” But I can’t. I’m so angry that I want him dead. I want him wiped from existence. Every saying is to forgive but I’m not ready to. I can’t forgive someone immediately for forcing me to do things that I didn’t want to do. Or to forgive someone who tried to make me feel guilty for seeking his support when I was losing my dad. Who tried to dump me when I had a breakdown at university because my pain was affecting his life too much. The more I think about it, the more I can’t understand how someone could not express love and concern for someone they have been with for half a decade.
The pain has forced me to grow up, I’m still incredibly selfish and even more so now with the rage that is building up inside me. I hate being angry as I use to always express frustration in tears. Now I can’t even cry, my face is hard with a blank expression. I don’t know how to express myself because I feel it’s too late to be angry anymore. It’s almost been a year and my friends are fed up hearing my complaints, but most of all, they have their own lives.
But what am I suppose to do? A year on and I’m not getting any better. My first relationship and it was filled with abuse and forcefulness. I’m terrified. I’m terrified of being alone, but I’m more terrified of going through that again. In some ways, solitude is much more reassuring as I can only hurt myself. I’m still in so much pain and I don’t know how to stop it.

Probably will be a crappy Christmas

This past week has been absolutely awful and has stretched out my patience.

For one, I’ve started to get quite ill again where I’ve had difficulty breathing. Regardless, I decided to meet a few friends after work. They arranged to meet at 6 so I rushed after work to only be made to stand in the cold station for 45 minutes. I walked up and down for the entire length of Clapham Junction since I couldn’t sit without purchasing and if I stopped I could feel the wind wrap around my bones. It did anyway regardless of moving.
I had to leave early because I couldn’t breathe outside in the cold air. My throat locked up. On my way home tears rolled down my cheeks because I was struggling so hard to breathe. When I did reach home the first thing I did was use my inhaler. I’ve never really been asthmatic until this year.
The next day I felt worse when I went to work. My joints ached, my eyes stung so much that I couldn’t apply make up like usual and my head was throbbing. My manager asked when I’d like time off for Christmas. I asked if I could take the Monday off so I could recover from this since my job involves a lot of telephone calls. In his own way he politely declined. His only reassurance was that it will get better in January. As kind as he was trying to be, that wasn’t doing me any good right now.
I brought with me to work cough syrup, my inhaler (which I have now lost) and cough sweets to get me through the day. Unfortunately that didn’t work. During my break I ate but quickly I began to tear up from the coughing and had to run to the bathroom so I could violently cough to the point of vomiting.
I decided to stay at home during the weekend to recover since I couldn’t afford to take time off. My mum has been asking me what I wanted for Christmas and said my budget is £50. After much disapproval of the selected presents I asked for despite explaining I would pay for the rest, I decided on a Polaroid type camera for when I start journaling again. To make it easier I ordered my own Christmas present and my mum could give the £50 contribution towards it later. The morning after my mum said that she needs £100 from me for the Christmas food. I asked if she spoke to the others (my siblings) and she said it would be unfair since they paid for everything last Christmas and that I live at home. I said that I am moving out in the next week or two and she said that she hasn’t asked me for housekeeping in the past. I found this incredibly offensive considering that last year I use to only earn £200 a month. That is the same amount as people who are unemployed. Moreover the fact that knowing I am moving out and have to get all my furniture as the room is completely empty she decides to ask me for money instead of my siblings who have worked for longer and actually were able to afford to go on holiday (which I wasn’t invited to) while I looked after my sister’s flats and cats. I STILL can’t afford to go on holiday and the last holiday I went on I slept outside on a bench although I’d rather not backtrack onto that fun little trip.
I’m angry and upset that the first time I get a proper paying job and almost every week I’m told I owe housekeeping. Yet when one of my siblings returned home at the age of thirty my mum felt too bad to ask them to pay for rent or anything. Yet for me, instead of being asked, I’m harassed into coughing up money despite stating I’ve tried very, very hard to get out of my debts and save up for furniture for my new room. When I stupidly told my mum I started saving she commented, “Oh so you have enough money to pay me now!”
I told my mum to forget giving me money towards my Christmas present because it doesn’t make sense to give me £50 for me to give it back with an extra £50 on top. So, this year I’m buying my own Christmas present. I’ve decided to treat myself after saving like a cheap-ass. I only give myself £5 max to spend per day on lunch and spend on travel, that’s it. Even buying my Christmas present hasn’t gone to plan but I’d rather not delve in that. This isn’t the first time my family has let me down with occasions. All my siblings forgot to buy me any birthday gifts or even a card (for the second consecutive year) and I didn’t have a birthday cake. Well, my siblings do enjoy going away every year on my birthday. And people wonder why I’m not close to my family?
My friends aren’t much better either. I had told them I was quite ill before leaving work to meet them and still they made me wait almost an hour. Bearing in mind neither of them were working. When I express my frustration to my friends no one responds. I know, I complain a lot but I feel people honestly just use me for their own benefit. I tell myself, “Stop being an emo and paranoid!” But then I judge people on their actions and this is what I get from that.
Yes, I am ranting, but I’ve let so many things build up and right now I just can’t take it. I haven’t cried in such a long time, but today I allowed myself to be upset other wise I’ll explode. I thought family and friends were suppose to be supportive.

A Step towards independence

I’ve started putting money aside in my savings now I actually have a proper income. I’m not sure how long this will last as I’m still struggling with being an adult. My mum still treats me like a child as she dictates how I dress and compares me to other girls. I’ve never been one to be overly feminine and although I have improved as I got older, I still like slouching in a baggy t shirt with tangled hair.

Something over the weekend confirmed how I feel about this as a previous colleague that I have known for almost three years decided to hit on me. He said I should dress more feminine because I look cute. I mumbled to him that I just dress however I feel. I felt annoyed. For someone I have known a reasonable length of time, my dress sense was important. I think inside I snapped. I got tired of other people determining how I should look. I don’t want to dress for anyone and even at work now I’m trying to incorporate my own style in a professional manner. I just want to be myself without someone breathing down my back on how I should and shouldn’t look. Furthermore, this isn’t how I want to find my partner. I don’t want to be judged by my appearance, but rather my personality. Why is it such a different thing to accomplish?

I’ve felt embarrassed by this person’s approach, particularly as it’s been confirmed that he is still with his wife. Lately I’ve just wanted to spend time alone and for the most part I have.

I recently went to visit a flat that a couple I know has put a partial mortgage down. They were the ones that use to live with my ex and need to rent a spare bedroom. I’ve decided this is my opportunity to move out for the first time since I missed out on the university experience.

I’ve been obsessing with room layout, colour themes, decorations, etc. I’ve never decorated my own room before so this will be a chance to personalise my own living space. The flat is quite small but it is newly furnished and cosy. I hope to be moving in fairly soon.

Ping Pong: I can fly!

Quite a few years ago Jonathan Ross recommended the film Ping Pong on his Japanorama programme on BBC. I remember watching with my mum. I don’t have much interest in sports or anything particularly competitive and yet by the end of the film I had butterflies in my stomach and I felt uplifted. That film was made in 2002.
It’s 2014 and an anime has been adapted from the Manga version of Ping Pong. I started off watching the first few episodes, fully aware of the raw and messy animation style. Initially it was slightly off putting and I felt the storyline didn’t grab me to begin with. Peco is still lazy and Smile is as emotionless as ever. But then on my journeys to work and then during my lunch time I kept watching episodes and I couldn’t stop. The rawness of the animation works well for the fast paced scenes and in the end reality is even blurred to exaggerate the matches. You honestly begin to see the beauty of it.
What I didn’t realise was today I’d reach the end of the anime after only 11 episodes. Despite knowing the entire storyline, I feel lighter. I’ve been holding my breath with the tension despite knowing what would happen and I can’t help but smile.
The storyline has very little to do with Ping Pong and instead is about everyone’s worries and demons. We worry so much about why we do things and what we should be doing. The great thing about Peco is that he makes you remember that anything is possible. You really can fly and in this storyline he releases characters from their pain.
Revisiting this storyline has reminded me that I need to keep trying with my art and that I can’t let my fears stop me. I’m quite similar to Smile in that I bury myself away and hoping that hiding my emotions would stop me from being hurt. If I don’t try bad things won’t happen to me. I do feel more motivated and I think what this anime teaches you is to stop thinking. When you become so engulf with your passion it becomes painful. Peco reminds us to enjoy what we love like a child with curiosity and excitement.
So, yes, it did affect me and it makes you feel you need to grab hold onto what makes you happy and to never let go. Most of all, if you can bring happiness to other people with what you do it can’t be wrong. Back to drawing it seems.

A lot of changes in a small amount of time

I know, I’ve been extremely poor in keeping up with this blog but now I’ve started adjusting I should be able to be more consistent with my posts.

I had quit my office job without being given much choice as it was either I resign or be fired. It seems according to my colleague who is still there that it was possibly a bluff. At the same time, leaving that job was possibly the best thing I could have done.

I was worried about my income as I was reduced down to one job and one where I was only contracted for 8 hours a week. I could potentially receive more hours but it could also be drastically reduced at any moment depending on management. I didn’t particularly get along with this new manager as I found his personality to be incredibly patronising and sarcastic. He was always aiming to be offensive with me. Ever since he arrived my role was changed to stand at the door and greet people while also checking if anyone wanted to buy our second hand technology. I did this for a few weeks.

I had left the job on a Friday and on Monday I received a phone call asking if I was able to have an interview the following day. By Wednesday I was offered the job. Thursday evening I sent my resignation via email and Friday I told my manager this would be my last shift.

Everything had happened so suddenly and even in regards to my ex things changed although I will go into more detail in another post. To put briefly, we’re no longer in contact and this was my choice this time.

I started the new job the week after due to going through a background check. With this new job I help people get back into employment or to do volunteer work for experience and it is government funded. That doesn’t mean it’s an easy job, I still receive anger and abuse, but it’s not nearly as bad as my previous office job.

I need to work hard, possibly even harder as I’m still on probation. I’ve learnt to juggle three tasks during my day but I need to be more efficient. I do feel I can take on more work.

So far, I enjoy what I do. It’s not too tiring and I feel I’m making a difference. I hope I can keep this job for a few more months.

Playing the waiting game

Friday was my last day at my office job. I am going to miss my colleagues. Another colleague left the same day with me and we went to celebrate with a Brazilian buffet and a film afterwards. We ended up seeing The Equalizer with Denzel Washington. I had no expectations and I was very close to not going at all due to working both jobs that day and having a heavy meal. I thoroughly enjoyed the film and I would watch it again. It’s a good action film.

That wasn’t the only change to happen, my ex contacted me last week pointing out that he knows that I’ve decided to cut contact with him. He requested two things: 1. What should he do with the dress he has that I usually sleep in 2. To delete any nude photos of him. That was all was said and after we came to a solution, his response was, “K, bye.”

And just like that, over 5 years of being in my life ended with “K, bye.” I had hoped he’d ask why I stopped making the effort of talking, but at the same time I don’t see why I was expected to be the one to initiate conversations. I had to accept that he was to busy to meet me occasionally or even leave a text, although his responses were snappy when sex was involved.

I got tired. I got tired of being made to feel my only use was for sex or to send nude photos even when I didn’t want to. I also got weary of the fact I was made to feel there was something wrong with me for getting depressed and have breakdowns. In response to asking that he doesn’t just want to be with me because of sex, it was “Here we go again, I don’t have time to answer with your mood swings.” This all happened when I had a break down and was signed off work by my GP. Instead of asking about my well-being, I was coerced into sending nude photos, even if I wasn’t in the mood I was told to get in the mood. My mental state was fragile and that was all that seemed to matter. Our conversation never recovered when he decided to avoid answering my question. He did message me about his living arrangements, but when I told him I was to be fired at the end of the month and he responded with, “Well, you got your wish”, I realised I’m never going to get the support I want or really need.

Unfortunately, this will still be a long process to reverse the damage he’s done to me mentally. I can’t blame the entirety of my mental status on him, but he did manage to prolong the effects and dare I say, even made it more difficult. I realised recently, he used my fear of my mental health to his own benefit.

“They hate playing games with you that they stopped playing the game because of you. They think you’re too controlling.”

“The whole group has been complaining about you.”

“I know you’ve told other people i’m a prick. They’ve told me themselves. All the people you’ve spoken to speak to me you know, don’t think I’m stupid.”

At the time, I believed him. I confronted people about this, particularly about the gaming, they all said either they wanted to play a different game or they can only play games at night. Their decision had no bearing on me. At the time, I still believed my ex over them. I became paranoid that this is what people really think of me. It was only in the last few months I realised he lies. In the last argument I asked 90% of the people he mentioned and all of them denied what he had claimed. Some were even offended. I said I had forgiven him, but I hadn’t. It’s horrible to think that I was purposely being made to feel alienated, but it’s only now I’ve been in the right state that I could rationally reflect on the situation.

I truly loved this person and to come to a realisation that the person I loved was trying to ruin me mentally makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t feel I can trust again because my own mind is my fear and I thought a partner would help you through it, not create paranoia from thin air.

I no longer feel close to people and I guess I am still paranoid. I think, I’m beginning to finally move on after coming to an understanding but I’m not happy. I spoke to my colleague at lunch yesterday and he said I still won’t be happy for a very long time.

I’m not sure why I’ve ranted so much about my ex, I didn’t want to but I’ve been unable to sleep for a while now. When I did, he would always be in my dreams even if his role is minimal. Eventually, I won’t need to mention him again.

The reason for the title is actually irrelevant to the above, but it is due to having an interview yesterday. I was called the day before and in all honesty I had forgot that I even applied for the job. I went through a frenzy and applied for anything and everything a month ago when I was unhappy with my office job. I received no responses so I gave up. This wasn’t the career I had in mind so I should not be too heartbroken if I don’t get it, but I do want a chance of a proper full time job that doesn’t involve selling. I want better wages and I want a more challenging role. At this moment in my retail store, I simply stand at the front near the entrance and greet people. If someone approaches the phones and tablets by the window I try to get a sale in or persuade the customer to trade in their old technology. That is my sole role. I didn’t go to university and study for four years for this. I want more to my life. I want to work hard and be so busy that I can collapse into my bed.

I hope something good will come for me after a stressful couple of months. Fingers crossed.

Changes

I handed in my resignation for my office job. I knew this was a decision I had to think about, but in the end I was given no choice.

My choices were resign or be fired at the end of the month. I’ve failed to be hush, hush about this but I don’t see why I should hide the tyranny of the company. I meant nothing to the company and I was never valued. This isn’t a shock but the lack of care towards the staff never ceases to amaze me. In the end, I was just a pawn.

I’ve never been told that whether I passed my probation or not, but I guess it no longer matters. I told my ex that I was going to get fired and his response was, “Well, you got your wish.”

My last day will be next Friday but I’m finding it reasonably liberating. I still work the same as before, but today I’ve been sketching while selling PPI over the phone.

I’ll be able to get more hours at my retail job as I’ve been told I’ll be working weekdays. My role will be as the ‘tech guy’. I’ll be selling and trading as well as testing. We have a new manager yet again. My previous one suddenly left and decided to move up north. I’m not so sure of this one. I don’t really like his sense of humour. I wasn’t working on Saturday and was going to offer to still help out of choice. My manager felt like it was compulsory for me to help despite not being paid for this. I don’t like volunteered work to be expected.

Despite these things, I’ve been more motivated. I cracked out After Effects and started with some experiments. I’ve been talking to a colleague about the mentality of success. I feel now is the time for me to work on progression.

I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to post

I know I left my previous post on such a low. I am a lot better now. It’s not that my life has drastically changed since, but my GP (reluctantly) signed me off from work for a week. During that time off I mostly stayed indoors, played Danganronpa and then proceeded to play the sequel (which I have yet to even get half way yet) and that is all.

I said goodbye to my friend who has returned to China by meeting in London and eating Korean food for the first time. I had to google it just now to remember the dish I actually ate and it’s called Bibimbap. It involved rice, a runny egg, chilli paste, mushroom and other vegetables and I had to mix it thoroughly before eating. It was quite lovely as we also had a seafood omelette. This was a tiny Korean restaurant where we shared a table with strangers.

I did also go bowling with my retail colleagues although I didn’t actually bowl. This was while I was drained and my eyes were sore from crying. I’ve since managed to reconcile with all my friends. My mum had told me not to hold grudges as people will always do this. She said if I keep taking things too personally I will end up with no friends, so I decided to just let go.

On the other hand, I’ve decided not to pursue things any further with my ex. Despite telling him I’ve been signed off from work due to stress he kept persisting I send him nude photos and consistently sending me videos and photos of himself in hope of returning some. When I messaged him to make sure he does want more than sex his response was, “Not this again.” When I stated he still didn’t answer my question he messaged back, “Ok random mood swing change mind person. I’m not wasting time doing this conversation.” We’ve barely spoken apart from me prompting for him to return my old laptop back. This isn’t out of spite, my brother has taken my mum’s laptop and she’s been fumbling with a tablet to do everything. Due to taking time off and not receiving sick pay, I can’t afford to travel to London just to collect my laptop.

The reason why I’ve found enough is enough is due to the fact that his retaliation was to punish me with silent treatment even though the question was a simple yes or no answer. It doesn’t give me much faith, particularly as the only time he seems to respond immediately is if the conversation is of a sexual nature. In all honesty, it gets too repetitive and stale as there’s not even any flirting involved. What was a turning point for me was realising he wouldn’t speak to me, I discovered that I didn’t care. I didn’t care if he would stop speaking to me. Usually this was a way for him to control me as I grovel and beg for him to speak to me, but this is no longer the case.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t have feelings. My ex has been in my dreams every night so far much to my dread. However, I think I’m finally reaching a point where I don’t feel as if I’m in love with him. I don’t yearn for him, I don’t particularly care if he’s in my life. Being back in contact with him has made me feel lonely and believe me, I can be lonely all by myself. He doesn’t add anything to my life apart from a dread that he can snap at me with his temper at times. He’s not a bad person, but his behaviour towards me leaves me much to be desired. Since I’m the closest to him, it seems I receive the brunt of the abuse. I also realised that he uses my mental health to his advantage and that’s something I still haven’t forgiven him. The last time we argued he attempted to render me paranoid about my friends to give him an upper hand. It didn’t work in the first place, but after confronting my friends, I realised he was lying. Not even twisting the truth, just outright lies.

Regardless, I need to focus on myself. I have been applying for jobs on the whim during the weekend and so far I’ve received two rejections. I’m not quite sure what I’d like to do with my life still. I am at a stand still but leaving my office job seems to be a priority at this moment.

I am blessed that I have decent co workers in both my jobs and it makes things bearable. I can laugh in dire situations and that’s a powerful thing.

I want to attempt to make positive habits, particularly when it comes to my mental health. I would like to return to doing meditation, following my self help books and keeping a daily journal.  I may do another entry of apps and books I feel have been beneficial. I also need to return to exercising as my physical health has been extremely poor.

I’m not in bliss, but I’ve at least managed to pick myself up from the turmoil I felt in my previous entry.