A lot has happened in the past month or two. It’s not that I chose to neglect this blog. I do want to write but it’s hard. I wondered to myself, “Why is it so difficult for me to maintain a blog now?” The simple answer is that I haven’t been confiding in anyone or anything over the past few months. I’ve spoken to friends less, I’ve not kept a diary. Everything has been kept inside as a thought process which I know is a step backwards.
I have this thing lately where I’ve been trying to become more independent and to rely on people less, but it has also meant I’ve become more distant and closed. Partially on purpose and partially because I’ve been afraid of getting burnt. I’ve tried to reach out to a few people at times and I’ve had no response. It’s shattering when you’re calling out and there’s no one. Instead, I decided to stop seeking.
It’s not all been negative though. I recently got addicted to the Daredevil TV series on Netflix (ah-mazing!) and that has been my saviour for the past week or so. It sounds minuscule, but it gave me something to look forward to when I get back home and it served as a distraction from my anxious mind. I bought an Amazon Fire stick despite already having a Chromecast and it’s been a great help for me since I don’t have to worry about it constantly draining my phone and when I’ve finished I simply turn the TV off. It’s like having Sky or Virgin for me as I can flick through things with a remote.
People who don’t experience anxiety probably don’t understand how big of a deal this is for me. There has not been a time where I’m not constantly thinking, and thinking, and thinking, and thinking. And thinking. Think about how repetitive that sentence was and that describes how my mind works, but it never ends it just pauses now and again. To finally just sit and do nothing is a great triumph. I still can’t do it often but it’s been bliss when I’ve finally managed to sit and relax for a day.
I think it helps that I’m somewhat in a better place. I’m hoping soon I’ll be made permanent in my job, I mean it’s been 6 months already. Regardless, I need to stop being lazy and start job hunting just in case. I’m not the type of person to settle in a job I’m unhappy with and I certainly don’t get paid enough to persuade me. The only positive is that my work place is walking distance from home.
I’ve started attending tournaments again although most people are complete strangers. The first time I attended I started talking to a girl with crutches. I’ve seen her many times before and she has always been in crutches. I’ve never asked why, it didn’t really matter to me that she has an illness. This was the first time we spoke properly and afterwards we’ve kept in contact. She kept thanking me and told me how I’m such a nice person. I couldn’t understand why she was so thankful. She told me she feels lonely at tournaments because there’s not many girls in the community. When she did try to befriend someone they didn’t want to associate with her because her illness is too depressing. She said she felt down but I approached her and held a conversation. She said I’m the first person that didn’t seem like I was trying to run away from her during a conversation. I couldn’t understand why, she seems perfectly fine to talk to.
This encounter made me realise how an action so small can really make an impact on someone else. I didn’t do it to be kind, it was a natural part of socialising. She explained to me that she tries to compliment and encourage people because she had a friend who did that for her and so she wants to spread that to others. I’ve never met someone so kind-hearted and it’s inspired me. For the past few months I’ve reduced myself to caring less and somewhat with a bitchy attitude because I lost faith in humanity. I lost my naivety and seeing the good in people, and now I can only see the awful aspects seeping out. That hasn’t changed, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do small acts of kindness. This one girl lifted me up from just genuinely being a good person and I want to make other people feel the same way.
I’ve had another encounter which was unexpected. I had a heated argument with my ex about how I can’t stop him from coming over to where I live since he is my flat mate’s best friend, but he needs to accept that I live here too. He didn’t take too kindly to it and after he had his say he blocked me. I sold the necklace he gave me for our anniversary and it was at that moment I decided I would look into dating. I had fairly moved on. The feelings were still there, but I knew it would take time to fully heal. I realised that I was thinking about things too seriously. I didn’t want a relationship, just going on a date doesn’t mean I have to decide to spend my life with this person.
I began to see dating as an experience I needed and that in a way I could start learning about myself. Admittedly, I also missed having sex, but I realised it wasn’t a bad thing. Not wanting to be in a relationship but wanting to have sex isn’t dirty or unreasonable and again, I wanted to learn about myself. My whole experience has been about giving and for once I wanted to learn about who I am. I signed up to dating sites and started talking to different men and I also learnt I had to be a bit more ruthless. I had the power to pick and choose, but I don’t really like that. I don’t like feeling that because there aren’t enough women on dating sites men are extremely eager even if deep down they don’t feel we match. It was going well.
It was only a week went by when I woke up to an email from my ex. He had no other way of communicating with me because I had removed every way of contacting me. I forgot you could even communicate by email anymore with instant messaging around. The way he contacted me wasn’t the only thing that took me by surprise, but also the content. It was very honest and also revealing. In the 8 years I have known this person, in the email were things that made me realise I didn’t know him that well. I’ve never really asked about my ex’s past and in a way he was selective about what he shared. I asked my flat mate for his contact number and I asked him to come over on Easter Sunday as I was preparing a roast dinner for everyone.
My roast came out amazing by the way. I just wanted to point that out. I’m still very proud of it. After everyone relaxed a bit, I asked to speak to him privately. We spoke a bit and we argued about the past, but I mostly hugged him and held for a bit. Earlier, I had called my mum asking for advice and I told her everything in the email, her response was to be there for him as it seems he’s reaching out to me. Even she knew it was unlike him to be so open about his feelings. Not much was said, it was more that I wanted to give him reassurance.
This relates to the girl earlier about the small act of kindness going a long way. I’m on speaking terms with my ex again. He said that night meant a lot to him. I listened and I think I made him feel safer. I think in a way, it made him remember why he cared about me. I don’t quite understand how it made such an impact on him because again, it’s something I would naturally do. I was extremely angry with him, but it’s hard not to want to take care of people you love, and this doesn’t just go for relationships. I’m not sure what is to happen with my ex. So far, he’s been honest and more open.
I’m still not quite ready for a relationship because I want to learn more about myself. I’m constantly debating what it means to be a good person and if I can go back to that philosophy. I’ve had a long in depth conversation about this with my friend and with my ex. Maybe I’m over thinking again, but I’m trying to dig deep inside and pick myself up from this slump I’ve been in the past few months. My perspective on people changed for the worst, but as my ex said, “If I don’t do good things for other people. who will?” If I don’t do it, then that’s one less person who will make this world a better place.