It’s been a while

I know I’ve neglected this blog. Not because I forgot or decided to stop continuing, it’s just life got in the way.

Lately it feels like I work to live. My job is the kind where 5 o’clock isn’t home time and your managers look at you as if you’re obliged to stay. It doesn’t matter if you work hard to stay on top of the work, you’re never on top of things. You’re never comfortable enough to give a sigh of relief.

A new job, a new home, surely I’d be happier right? Seems not.

Sometimes I just simply think I’m a moany bitch that can’t ever seem to enjoy life. God, sometimes I’m sick of my own complaining. But… it just feels like there’s something wrong and I don’t know what is keeping me from being happy.

I have a friend I met at one of my previous jobs. He has such severe anxiety he has been unable to leave the house for the past few months and had to hand in his resignation. He explained to me that depression never goes away, you just make room for it in your life. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so unhappy. I’ve had my ex and his father tell me to sort it out. I can’t keep continuing like this but I can’t just get rid of it either.

I feel even my closest friend doesn’t seem to be understanding anymore. I’ve told him how suicidal I’ve felt lately and his response is fairly blasé. I can’t blame him though, you get use to it and besides, I don’t have the guts to do it anyway.

I know I’m also to blame for my own situation. If I really want to change my life I could. It is simply down to my own actions, but why can’t I do it?

In some ways I’ve progressed into a independent adult, but I’m also incredibly lonely. There’s not a single person anymore where I feel something. I don’t feel I could trust my entire life and secrets with anyone. I’m not sure if it’s paranoia but more realising how awful the majority of my friends are. The more I become an adult, the more I realise how much I despise people. I hate how negative I’ve become. I use to be the naïve one who always saw the good in people.

Maybe the reason why I’ve returned to this blog again is because I don’t have someone to confide in anymore. I’m long past the point where I receive an understanding ear.